Up until recently, I had never thought of myself as a person with strong convictions. Honestly, I had never really known what it meant to have convictions, or to be someone who was strongly convicted about one thing or another. It was just nothing I had ever considered before. I remember one night last summer, I had gotten into an argument with my sister about the Native population (she was arguing that they're all just lazy drunks, I was arguing that our political system and social structure doesn't give them the same opportunity as what my sister and I have been given). I was so angry by the end that I got up and had to leave. My boyfriend at the time was with me, surveying the entire argument. He never jumped in, which surprised me. I was sure he had some opinion on the matter, even if it didn't side with either me or my sister. Afterwards, he & I went to get ice cream. I laid into him about why he didn't jump into debates like that, and he just shrugged and didn't say anything (this wasn't a surprise - this boyfriend never said much and never had an opinion on anything). After a while of me eating my ice cream and pouting about his lack of an answer, he said, "I really admire you for how strong your convictions are." I just blinked at him and didn't understand. After I asked for clarification, I sat across from this boy thinking, "Oh my gosh - he doesn't stand up for anything, any type of injustice, any type of opinion, because he simply doesn't care about anything." It had never occurred to me before. I just always assumed that everyone had strong convictions on every type of possible thing to have convictions about. Ask me for my opinion on a matter, and I'll let you know what way I lean. Challenge my opinion on a matter, and you bet I'll fight for it, hard. But this former boyfriend of mine, he never had any opinion on anything. Climate change? Nope. Drug legalization? Nope. Student debt? Try again. Abortion? Nah-uh. War in the Middle East? Nothing. All of these massive things that shape the life that he was living, he had no say about because he literally didn't care about any of it.
I was floored after he gave me that compliment. On one hand, it showed me something about myself that I had never thought about before. On the other hand, it showed this gaping hole where there was a complete difference in values between him & I. How could I, a person who holds steadfast to her values and beliefs, be with someone who had no values or beliefs to hold to? This wasn't something that I had never realized in the relationship before. My mother had pointed it out to me on numerous occasions, and there was always a quietness to him whenever I brought up a hot-button topic. It always irked me slightly, but it never seemed like a big deal - at least, not until he brought the word conviction into the conversation. Suddenly, when a word like conviction was being bandied about, the whole thing seemed extremely serious. A red flag began waving at me as I finished up my ice cream that evening. The rest of the night was quiet and cautious as I rolled the word conviction around in my mind.
For me, my convictions tell me how I lead my life. My convictions on climate change dictate the type of transportation I use, the type of products I buy, if I'm going to carry this pop can home with me just so that I can recycle it. My convictions about animal welfare just forced me to spend $20 on free range, hormone free, naturally fed chicken. Had I not cared at all about this stuff, I could've spent $7 on the same amount of chicken. My convictions about equal rights led me to my passion for non-profit work, and particularly the non-profit that I work for. My convictions tell me how to live my life. They shape my daily decisions. Last summer I interned for a politician. Sometimes my political views differed from this congressman's, making it difficult for me to be passionate about working for him. This lack of passion was draining to me. The difference in convictions between the politician and I, even though I was supposed to be representing him & his convictions, was draining to me. I couldn't do it anymore. My convictions are so very important to me that if I have to fake them, if I have to alter my behaviour to align with someone else's convictions, I lose all passion. It makes me grumpy, and even angry. If I don't have my convictions, how am I supposed to live my life?
Without my convictions, I'd be floundering. What would I do for work? I have to have passion for my work in order to succeed. I cannot be indifferent about my work - that's exhausting. It's a waste of my time & talents. And what about how I take care of my body? My convictions keep me from eating too much junk food, and from avoiding fast food entirely. They keep me exercising, doing yoga and pilates, and treating my body with respect. My convictions keep me from doing drugs and drinking in excess with regularity. My friends would be completely different, as well. My convictions dictate what type of friends I keep and what type of friendships I nurture. I have disconnected from friends because they didn't represent my values when it comes to friendship. If it wasn't for these convictions, I would have love-less, disrespectful, and harmful friendships. My convictions keep me loved and loving.
I've got specific convictions about a few things, namely feminism, being pro Israeli, zero drug policy for my body, moderate drinking, against strict gender roles and expectations, recycling of materials and clothes, second hand consumerism and a few other things. I'm called a bitch for some, a bore for others and a hippy for the rest. But I do have to stand up for what I believe and it does make up a big part of me, no matter what people think of me. I've lost friends over it and I regret that but how much can I regret these convictions of mine? How can I dilute them to please others? Sometimes I feel like they are worth more than some of these friends. However, something else you said makes me think a bit. I mentioned in an earlier reply about an old friend who kicked me to the road and me wasting 2 years or so chasing after her. She cited us being incompatible as why our friendship was now over (which is only 1 excuse as far as I'm concerned). We didn't match. She had different convictions, some of which irked me because she claimed she didn't judge others and was for the sisterhood but as soon as a teenage mother loomed in our vision, she would judge them straight away and blame them for 'making fathers out of guys who weren't ready' which was completely hypocritical, negating both of the things she'd claimed to be a minute ago. That was one of the things that caused a rift between us, Our convictions didn't match up and now that you've said that, I'm starting to think that maybe that's just the way she saw it. She's a very self centered person so when she said that, now I'm thinking that she really had room for only 1 idea in her head and this was it. She genuinely didn't see the misery and pain she had caused me by doing what she did, stringing me along for so long and dumping me twice. She didn't seem to understand loyalty either so after so many years of friendship, she found it easy to cut me out of her life but for someone so principled (she is in training to be a barrister and has always wanted to be that since a child) in justice, she just didn't see how important loyalty was. I don't mean blind loyalty, I mean it in the true form and that to me is a sort of conviction. Do you see loyalty as a sort of conviction too? Sorry for the uber long post but I've not had anyone to bounce this situation off really
ReplyDeleteHey Selina! Obviously no apology needed for long replies! I think that loyalty could be a conviction, but I think I put it more under the category of a value - and our values guide our convictions. I put a lot of value on friendship, because to me, friendship is based off of loyalty. So I'd say that I hold loyalty high up on my list of values. And I think that that valued loyalty leads to my convictions about who I want to be friends with and stay friends with - if that makes sense? I think it sounds like your friend probably didn't value loyalty, but did value having similar convictions? I'm the opposite. My friends can have different convictions than me, so long as we value the same things. But it's important to me that people have convictions, because otherwise I just see them as floating around aimlessly without anything holding them down. Which opens up the next conversation - can you have values but not convictions? My ex-boyfriend, on top of not having convictions, also didn't have values. I was with him for over a year, but I still couldn't tell you what he valued most in life. Not even a clue.
DeleteI think you can have values without convictions but they wouldn't be as strong as if you had that conviction in the first place. And it does make sense, loyalty being a value and that guiding conviction. I think you're also right in that she seemed to prefer people who were the same as her
DeleteWhoahh. This was such an interesting article to read. I *have* oftentimes thought about how there seem to be so many people around that oftentimes don't seem to have far too many strong opinions, especially on political topics...in fact, I've met numerous people who explicitly say that they don't like talking about controversial things, that these things shouldn't be discussed, because the act of discussing/arguing them is pointless and wrong. What you've talked about here really makes me wonder in an extremely general sense as to why people are different in the first place. There exists a colossal variety of people in this world. Why is it that different people have different opinions in the first place? Have you ever heard of chaos theory? The butterfly effect? One of the primary conditions for a system to be chaotic is for the system to be sensitively dependent upon its initial conditions at some initial time. Why is it that two people who may have both been born to extremely abusive parents can diverge so fundamentally in their personalities? Think about how many "initial conditions" exist in this crazy world. It all seems so absolutely incomprehensible. On the subatomic scale, quantum mechanical phenomena exist; the position of a particle is undefined and potentially occupies an infinite number of states until a person observes it. On the astronomical scale, the motion of the planets around the sun occurs because massive objects curve 4-dimensional spacetime and that curvature influences the masses doing the curving to travel least action pathways in it. I apologise for going off on such a ridiculous tangent, but my mind tends go all over the place!
ReplyDeleteTotally do not need to apologize for the tangent! My "Some Thoughts On..." posts are pretty much just unedited tangents that flow from my mind, so no need for responses to them to be edited! I definitely haven't gotten onto the philosophical or scientific sides of things - not exactly how my mind works - but it's interesting to bring it into the conversation. I've never understood how my sister and I, raised by the same parents, living together for 15 years, have completely opposite convictions. We value many of the same things - family, friends, love - but our convictions about things, especially environmental & consumerism attitudes, are completely different. It's baffled me for years, as well as my parents. Thanks for adding to the conversation!
DeleteI enjoyed reading your experience and it is exciting to read about your passion for convictions in a culture of apathy. I believe that convictions are pointless unless they are based on truth. The struggle to determine what is true is our purpose in life to determine origin, meaning, morality and destiny. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteThanks for bringing the word "apathy" into the conversation! I think that's a great word to go along with someone who doesn't have convictions. When you say "based on truth" do you mean scientific truth, or truth in a more broad sense, such in the truth of our beliefs & our values?
DeleteWhat is your definition of "truth", any "truth"? Do you believe that "truth" is absolute?
DeleteWell I think that, when it comes to scientific fact, there is some absoluteness to that truth. However, I think when it comes to values like friendship or loyalty, our convictions that are guided by those values are based on what feels true to us personally. My truth based behind a conviction would be different from another person, even if our conviction was the same. However, when it comes to, say, the environment, where much of that is rooted in science, the truth is much more stagnant. Of course some of that lies within how we value the environment, but much of that is backed by scientific fact & truth.
DeleteTruth, by its own definition, is absolute. Convictions based on truth are solid and unchangeable.
DeleteBasing convictions on feelings/emotions alone is dangerous. Too many times our feelings disallow truth.
DeleteI think that our convictions are based on experiences, and sometimes those experiences have underlying feelings and emotions. So long as those feelings & emotions are true to us, I don't think that that's dangerous. If our feelings about a situation have developed over time and have not changed, there's nothing dangerous about that.
DeleteI'm glad you brought up the word "values" in the comments because that recontextualizes the post for me. For a reason I couldn't completely identify at first, I was troubled by the idea that lack of convictions is something someone should be judged for - but when you identify convictions as a subset of values, I'm more on board. Someone can be apolitical, quiet, maybe even passionless in some regards yet still have underlying values but if they don't, that is a problem. Values determine how a person will respond to events - particularly troublesome ones - and basically define their trustworthiness.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, I think judging someone solely on a lack of convictions is rather harsh, particularly when we're examining convictions on issues that indirectly affect their lives. You may have good points about how culture, the environment, history etc. subtly shape our day-to-day lives but for a lot of people, probably even the majority of people, this impact remains abstract and distan, so while I find complete disengagement unfortunate I do think it's understandable. However, judging someone on a lack of values - at least when a judgement is called for in a personal relationship - is completely fair.
On the more specific question of convictions, I am ambivalent for a few reasons; at times I even find myself more sympathetic to people who appear to lack convictions than to those who have strong ones. On the one hand, I agree it's important to seek answers and determine specific application of values on larger questions. On the other hand, I think far too many people rush into convictions without properly thinking them through - or, even after thinking them through, lock on too hard and don't continue to question themselves over the years. I've always been someone fascinated by debate, by examining both sides of an issue, and by WHY certain attitudes, policies, or lifestyles are promoted/embraced/taken for granted even if they seem nonsensical or harmful to me.
That quality of curiosity is a good thing but it also keeps me, at this point in my life, from staking a definitive claim on numerous issues. In fact, I'd say that now (at age 30) I'm less likely to define my philosophy or commit to a given side in a political debate than I was in my teens or early 20s, simply because I've realized how much I don't know, and how complicated most issues are. On top of that, the proper time taken to research a given issue, and more broadly to read history and examine life around me so that I can better identify my own philosophy of life and society, is not something I'm really able to take right now - one of the biggest lessons I've learned is that priorities have to be made and, as someone who organizes his time with almost ridiculous rigor, I don't see the room for true political self-examination on the immediate horizon.
This doesn't mean I don't have opinions of course, or that I don't get into debates and/or arguments (though I almost always regret the time/energy spent afterwards). But it does mean I try (and often fail) to distance myself from politics - both big & small "P" - and especially from identifying/being identified with some broad spectrum of opinion that would tie me down to this or that political faction (actually this anti-conviction is a sort of conviction itself because I LOATHE the way political identity is construed in the U.S., and how it basically appropriates cultural identity and mis-aligns it with half-baked ideology, but here I go committing myself haha). At the moment I'd say I'm more sure what I stand against than what I stand for.
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ReplyDeleteAnyway, a wandering, personalized response (so long I had to split the end off!) but I get the sense that's what you're looking for. In short, while convictions on given problems are important, I think underlying values are more so, and in the end I'm more keen on someone with an open mind who might seem to lack convictions (but is not averse to forming them) than someone with lots of convictions but no understanding of the opposite point of view. And in the day-to-day struggle to educate myself, to engage with the world instead of playing it safe/being lazy (which are the flipsides of the good reasons I gave for disengagement above), and to apply my own values to a situation instead of conforming to those around me, I strive to become the former person rather than the latter.
Thanks for a thought-provoking piece.
Just got the email notification...and Good Lord, that is the most rambling comment I've ever written! Hopefully my point/s are clear enough.
DeleteThanks for the thoughtful reply, Joel! I agree that it is harsh to judge someone purely based on a lack of conviction. It's good to have convictions to a degree, but they don't need to be strongly set in stone. However, this particular boyfriend didn't even have values. Sometimes I got a sense that his family was important to him, but it didn't lead to much passion and it didn't direct his life in any way. It was difficult to engage with him sometimes because I got really impassioned about certain things - my family, my friends, my work, my dreams for the future - and he didn't say much. I don't blame someone for not being political - there are most certainly political topics that I distance myself from due to lack of understanding - but I spoke often about, for example, my convictions about loyalty to friends. That seems like something that any person should have some vague conviction - or at the very least - values about, and this boyfriend had nothing. (He also didn't have any friends, which I believe is because he placed no value on loyalty.)
DeleteThis being said, I definitely think that someone with strong convictions can still have those convictions change and develop over time! I think that values are much more set in stone, but convictions built off of those core values can change over time. I enjoy engaging in debate because I always walk away - whether in triumph or defeat - with my head spinning with new perspectives and new thoughts to help reshape my convictions.
That being said, I most certainly know people with convictions that absolutely CANNOT be swayed. I recently broke off a friendship with someone because he constantly chastised me for my religion. When I confronted him about it, on numerous occasions, he told me that he was doing me a service by criticizing my religious beliefs because anyone whose faith includes organized religion doesn't think critically. He basically told me, without any knowledge of my personal pursuit of my faith, that I was blind and stupid simply for being religious. It was a conviction of his and one that, despite over two years of trying to tell him that that isn't how it is for me at all, had not changed the slightest. It's good to keep an open mind, just as it's good to have values, and it's good to re-shape and re-develop your convictions along with your constantly altering concept of the world around you.
I enjoyed this but at the same time, I sort of was appalled that you would lose respect for him just for not having as much passion about things as you. I know personally, I often have a "don't care" attitude about many things. Of course, I also have my own convictions: for example, I'll your ear off about women's rights or gay rights but I can't say I personally care too much about the environment. Although, at the same time, I tend to also stay away from topics I don't know a lot about. I'm not going to engage in a discussion about, say, health care because I simply am not that knowledgeable in the subject and maybe your boyfriend could have been that way too. I feel like I'm getting a bit rambly here but I guess what I'm trying to say is that although it's good to have convictions about a lot of things, the way you ended this sort of made it sound like you looked down upon people who maybe don't have as strong convictions and I don't think that's very fair. I hope this made some sort of sense! I'm sure that I'm probably just reading your statements a bit wrong, but I just wanted to throw in my point of view, since I sort of consider myself a person who chooses to take the "I don't care" route fairly often.
ReplyDeleteHi Janey! Thanks for your comment. You admit right there that, although there are topics you stay away from, you still have passion for things. And that's what I'm trying to get at. There are definitely things I stay away from - war, for example, or foreign politics, religion, healthcare - but I still have passions and convictions that drive me. It was not that this boyfriend had convictions that differed from my own - it was that he literally had none. I was with him for over a year, and had known him for close to three years overall, and I cannot tell you a single thing about his convictions. I know that he valued his family, but I didn't sense any convictions that had formed from that value. And I know that, sometimes he valued sobriety, but that was only when he was really focused on staying sober. I think he had certain convictions about going to AA meetings & meeting with his sponsor, but those slipped in and out very easily (understandably, as sobriety isn't an easy thing to achieve). He had passion for physics, but whenever I asked him why he was so interested in physics, he just shrugged and said it was cool. It was hard to understand his passion for it, though I did see glimpses of it now & then. This passion didn't seem to be leading him in any direction though, or shaping his life in any way. It was extremely difficult to get a sense of what drove him to live his life a certain way, because he seemed completely indifferent and apathetic about most everything.
DeleteAnd I will argue that indifference and apathy is not a good thing. It is understandable to be indifferent about some things, to an extent, but there are definitely things that greatly affect our lives which we shouldn't show apathy about. For example, the environment & civil rights. Both of those things greatly shape our lives, and it's important to have some sort of convictions about them. For example, right now in MN, we're being threatened with the Keystone Pipeline and fracking. I don't know much about either one, but I do know that both are under-researched and their effects on the environment are undetermined. Although I don't have particular convictions about fracking or the pipeline, I do have the conviction that we shouldn't jeopardize our planet due to lack of research. Therefore, I know that I am against both until we have a better understanding of the widespread effects of both. This conviction is vague and it doesn't require huge research, but it is based in a strong value that I hold.
This is probably getting a bit away from your original point, but I hope that I cleared it up for you! Having convictions is good. Having convictions about every single thing under the sun is not a reasonable expectation. And having values to guide you is best.
Good post, very thought provoking. I completely relate to this because it sounds like the exact reason I started to feel distant from my own ex-boyfriend. At the time, we had been dating for just under a year, perhaps like you and your guy. There was a really important election coming up. I am no way an expert in politics, but I make a point to understand the fundamental values of every party involved--something I think everyone is able to and should do. He had no opinion whatsoever, and I was shocked. I prodded him, reminded him how different potential outcomes of this election could change his current life and future prospects, and all he replied with was "I don't care about politics". It wasn't just that. After that incident I started to ask him about other issues...environment, education, even what he was passionate about. What I realized was not much. And I started to come to a realization, I'm like you: My opinions about things guide how I live my life and decisions I make. I enjoy having a good debate with people who may not agree with me, but I started to think that I couldn't really respect anyone who legitimately couldn't be bothered to make strong opinions about issues that were important to me (Even if he formed opposing opinions, at least I could respectfully disagree... but he didn't). That was when a rift started forming, and it didnt last too much longer after that. All that to say (I tend to ramble, oops) ... I agree with you, and I sympathize with your situation.
ReplyDeleteI remember that, before I was dating this boyfriend, I talked him into voting in the 2012 presidential election. It's so important to me that a person has some sort of political standing - not picking a party or anything, but having an idea of what politics they agree with, and which they don't. I vote based on a candidate's civil rights standing more so than their standing on war or economics, but it's still enough for me to be able to choose a candidate and make it out to the polls to vote for them - because I have enough conviction about civil rights to make it worth my while. I think it's sad when someone cannot even be engaged with a single aspect of politics. It's important to have some standing and some opinions and values. Which is my rambling way of saying, thanks for your story! I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one who finds such behaviour to be a turn off.
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