Last summer, my friend Tyler and I spent a day out riding bikes and playing at an abandoned picnic area. Tyler, being a photographer, had a camera in tow and snapped some photos of me. He sent them over to me the other week, and I thought I'd share them. Check out his other stuff here and if you're in Minnesota & looking for a great wedding photographer, Tyler's your man.
It was such a trip to see these photos. I had completely forgotten about him taking them. I see them now and cannot believe that this was only last summer - August or July. I seem so young - and I look so tired! This was around the onset of my boyfriend, who was in recovery for addiction, relapsing, and the onset of the stress that was catapulted into my life because of his relapse. I see photos of me from when that all happened, and the months that followed, and I look so run over. My eyes seem empty and helpless. I want to look at these photos and yearn for summer and bike rides and shorts. Instead I look at these photos and see this endless sadness of knowing what I went through in the months that followed. This initial sadness, this initial feeling that everything was over, barely touched on the hurt that would follow. These photos are a portrait of that initial sadness - a small shower before the torrential downpour.
In addition to this feeling, these photos bring about sadness for two other reasons. For one, I am my ideal weight here. My thighs are touching and my hips are round and curving. I'm happy at this weight. I feel so healthy and sure of myself at this weight. Right now I am 10 pounds lighter, feeling feeble and weak. I look in the mirror and feel ashamed to see myself like this, in a constant battle to be at my comfortable weight once more. The second reason that I'm sad when I see these photos is a bit lighter - it was on this day that the platform broke off my 7Up shoes! I've glued it back on but dare not take these guys out anymore. Luckily, I had bought a new pair of shoes at a garage sale just 10 minutes earlier for a mere 25 cents. I threw those on and sadly retired my 7Up platforms to my bike basket.
I'm trying to not be too sad when I see these photos. I'm trying to look at them as a different time in my life. Maybe it was a good time, maybe it was a bad time - and maybe I'm in a better place now, maybe I'm not. I'm still trying to decide. But I'm in a place now that I have to accept, just as, when these photos were taken, I was accepting the place that I was in then. So, on that note, enjoy these photos. They are, on their own, rather beautiful I think. Tyler is an amazing photographer and he always captures a true side of me. I see a sad side of me here, and I wanted to share a piece of the story that goes along with how I see them. I hope that you'll be able to see (and appreciate!) that piece, too.