The clarity of the end of June which lead me back into a spur of blogging didn't last long. I was very confident about how life was going - I still am, so let me rephrase that - I was very settled into everything in my life. I was very able to focus on the here and now and not anything but what I want to get done or what I need to get done. I remember the death of my uncle in June brought my life to a bit of a halt as I spent a lot of time thinking about life without this dear man, and what that meant to my life. I find that death, no matter how close or far you were from the departed, opens up this blistering hole into your life where you realize what's missing, what's always been there, what you need to change, what you need to try to understand. It happened after the death of my uncle, shaping my goals for the next year, especially in terms of re-connecting with everyone I've hurt. My uncle taught me to forgive and to ask for forgiveness. It wasn't something I very much understood until he died and suddenly in this hole, there was this lesson in forgiveness. I had always known that it was there before, but it had never struck me with such fierceness and necessity until after his death.
The past month has brought more loss to my life and to the lives of my friends. Someone who I spent a majority of my childhood knowing just recently passed away. I was best friends with his daughter growing up, and we'd spent nights on their back patio eating good food, watching movies, and connecting as an entire family. His death didn't come as a surprise to me, but it was a reminder of the chaos that addiction causes in the lives of not only the addicted, but also the people who were shaped by being a part of their life as well. Surprisingly, this death was not a reminder of the pain caused by my last relationship, but rather a reminder that my friends face much of the same pain that I have and that I will likely face again. Being an overly empathetic person, this left me in pain for my friends knowing that they probably felt very much alone just as I had, very much confused, very much hurt and without help because addiction is one of those things where it is hard to find help when you're on the outside of it.
After the death of this family friend, I learned of the death of one of my own friends. Friend would maybe not be the best term for her. I knew her for many years, but we had been in and out of contact because of personal prejudices which we never confronted or worked through. She had recently reached back out to me and I remember feeling at the time a great sense of appreciation, belonging, and the love in her actions. Her death took me by surprise and shock, reminding me of how important it is to not judge people, to connect with people and make them feel special. I cannot express how much it means to me that this friend made an attempt for amends, and the timing struck me greatly, reminding me of how precious our relationships are. We must tend them with great care and great heart.
These three deaths have left me feeling three holes filled with the knowledge and lessons taught to me by these three people: the importance of forgiving and asking for forgiveness; a reminder of the hurt that our friends face and how we can do better to understand that hurt; and how truly precious our friendships and relationships are, and how much care we should be putting into them.
Because of these three lessons, it has been difficult for me to focus on something like blogging. At this time in my life, it feels...not insignificant, but simply not something I'm ready to jump immediately back into. I think I still need another week before I feel refreshed and ready to face the world with this new knowledge. I am still figuring out exactly how I want to process these holes in my life, and how I want to honour them, more importantly. Because when you're left with these holes, you need to fill them back up again. I'm just trying to find a way to fill them back up so that they are as significant as the lessons that were left behind.