Friday, August 8, 2014

Why I haven't blogged lately


The clarity of the end of June which lead me back into a spur of blogging didn't last long. I was very confident about how life was going - I still am, so let me rephrase that - I was very settled into everything in my life. I was very able to focus on the here and now and not anything but what I want to get done or what I need to get done. I remember the death of my uncle in June brought my life to a bit of a halt as I spent a lot of time thinking about life without this dear man, and what that meant to my life. I find that death, no matter how close or far you were from the departed, opens up this blistering hole into your life where you realize what's missing, what's always been there, what you need to change, what you need to try to understand. It happened after the death of my uncle, shaping my goals for the next year, especially in terms of re-connecting with everyone I've hurt. My uncle taught me to forgive and to ask for forgiveness. It wasn't something I very much understood until he died and suddenly in this hole, there was this lesson in forgiveness. I had always known that it was there before, but it had never struck me with such fierceness and necessity until after his death.

The past month has brought more loss to my life and to the lives of my friends. Someone who I spent a majority of my childhood knowing just recently passed away. I was best friends with his daughter growing up, and we'd spent nights on their back patio eating good food, watching movies, and connecting as an entire family. His death didn't come as a surprise to me, but it was a reminder of the chaos that addiction causes in the lives of not only the addicted, but also the people who were shaped by being a part of their life as well. Surprisingly, this death was not a reminder of the pain caused by my last relationship, but rather a reminder that my friends face much of the same pain that I have and that I will likely face again. Being an overly empathetic person, this left me in pain for my friends knowing that they probably felt very much alone just as I had, very much confused, very much hurt and without help because addiction is one of those things where it is hard to find help when you're on the outside of it.

After the death of this family friend, I learned of the death of one of my own friends. Friend would maybe not be the best term for her. I knew her for many years, but we had been in and out of contact because of personal prejudices which we never confronted or worked through. She had recently reached back out to me and I remember feeling at the time a great sense of appreciation, belonging, and the love in her actions. Her death took me by surprise and shock, reminding me of how important it is to not judge people, to connect with people and make them feel special. I cannot express how much it means to me that this friend made an attempt for amends, and the timing struck me greatly, reminding me of how precious our relationships are. We must tend them with great care and great heart.

These three deaths have left me feeling three holes filled with the knowledge and lessons taught to me by these three people: the importance of forgiving and asking for forgiveness; a reminder of the hurt that our friends face and how we can do better to understand that hurt; and how truly precious our friendships and relationships are, and how much care we should be putting into them.

Because of these three lessons, it has been difficult for me to focus on something like blogging. At this time in my life, it feels...not insignificant, but simply not something I'm ready to jump immediately back into. I think I still need another week before I feel refreshed and ready to face the world with this new knowledge. I am still figuring out exactly how I want to process these holes in my life, and how I want to honour them, more importantly. Because when you're left with these holes, you need to fill them back up again. I'm just trying to find a way to fill them back up so that they are as significant as the lessons that were left behind.

16 comments:

  1. "a reminder that my friends face much of the same pain that I have and that I will likely face again. Being an overly empathetic person, this left me in pain for my friends knowing that they probably felt very much alone just as I had, very much confused, very much hurt and without help because addiction is one of those things where it is hard to find help when you're on the outside of it."

    Yes... I am sure your friend felt as much pain at the death of her PARENT, as you did going through a break up.

    Stick to fashion Chloe. Your 'insights' are just too painful to read! I think I need to stop reading your blog, which sucks, cause you truly were fashionable, and I like following what you wore. But DAMN get the hell over yourself!! Some people in the world have real problems. Don't try to relate to them to try and give yourself depth. Grow up!

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    1. Hi anon, I'm sorry that you are clearly not an empathetic person and I'm sorry that you have little feeling. I was not comparing the death of someone's father to a break up. I was comparing my friends having to deal with addiction in their loved ones to myself having to deal with addiction in my loved ones. My blog is what I choose to make it. If all you see me for are my clothes, then I'm sorry but I really don't want you to read my blog. "Some people in the world have real problems" - yes they do, and my problems are just as real as everybody else's. I'm sorry that sometimes I don't capture my problems to their full extent, and I'm sorry that sometimes I want to talk in vague terms about my problems so that others know that they're not alone in what they face. I believe in talking about problems so that we can maintain a fresh perspective and grow in what we already believe. I'm sorry that you clearly have never had any problems in your life and that all you clearly care about are people who are "truly fashionable". I can tell from this comment alone that you live a life devoid of love, friendship, and caring. I actually feel bad for you. Please do not bother to continue reading my blog.

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    2. Ahah, okay. You clearly know everything. The reason I took so much offense to this is because I actually have had "real problems" in my life. You don't know what it's like to have a parent in rehab. The thing I hated most was dumb assholes who never heard ME and MY problems. They always had to relate it to some stupid fucking "problem" in their life because they were too senseless to know how to be anything other than self absorbed.

      Why would you feel bad for me? You know nothing about me. You buy expensive freaking clothes, live with your parents, and talk about how hard it is to have boyfriends who took a few drugs. Fuck you. You have NO IDEA what it means to take care of yourself, when falling back on your parents is not an option.

      I am sure you have your own problems. CLEARLY. But I really think you ought to stay out of things you don't understand fully. Losing a parent to drugs is NOTHING you understand. I never leave anonymous comments. It's weird and pathetic. But you invoked so much rage in me, with this stupid fucking post. I can't even take it. You're what's wrong with this world. Self-absorbed blogging idiots who can only relate everything to themselves.

      TAKE CARE.

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    3. You say right there that no one ever heard you or your problems. It sounds like if people were trying to relate to you and your problems by understanding them through their own problems, then they were doing the best that they could to relate. It sounds like you have a lot of anger surrounding this issue that you want to take out on me when I'm really not the appropriate person - go see a therapist for that. Also, I am absolutely not saying that I have no idea what it feels like to not have parents to fall back on. I'm sorry that you don't have that, but I'm not trying to say that I understand that - I am saying that I know what it feels like to love someone who has addiction problems. I have more in my life than just my ex-boyfriend who was an addict. I'm sorry I don't talk about it on the blog because they are extremely close to me and I'm not comfortable talking about my relations on my blog in that manner. And I don't act like a spoiled princess because I live with my parents. It was a decision that I made and that I am grateful I had the option to make. I could have moved out, but I want to wait until I'm sure I have a full-time, non-temporary job. And I'm grateful that I have the option to stay with my parents. GRATEFUL. Not taken for granted, but realizing how fortunate I am for that. You know, I'm not even sure why I'm addressing this with you because really, nothing about this post has to do with me. It has to do with the loss I've had in my life and in seeing my friends suffer this loss as well.

      Please, go get professional help and stop taking your issues out on random people over the internet or, worse, the people in your life who TRY to help you but you clearly are so self-centered that you just don't even care about anyone but yourself. People try to help you by relating to what you're going through - be thankful that people at least reached out to you and tried. Not everyone is going to do that. Lower your standards of what to expect from people and appreciate what you do have instead of being jealous and angry at people who have something different than you.

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    4. Thanks for your excellent advice. Also, very impressed that you seem to be just as caught up on assumptions than me. Very Christian-like response as well I might add.

      When you put your journal online don't expect people to not take offense to the ridiculous things you say.

      Good luck in your search for depth Chloe.

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  2. Oh my gosh Chloe, I am so sorry to hear about your losses. I cannot imagine how difficult it is for you right now and my heart goes out to you. Though I have to say that I admire you have learned and taken knowledge from them, turning something negative into positive. I really hope you don't face any more misfortune any time soon.

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    1. Thank you Safiya! Sometimes it's these tragedies that remind us that you have to turn a negative into a positive if you want to keep moving forward. Thanks for your comment, I always enjoy hearing from you xx

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    2. "These tragedies." Cry. So sad :(

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  3. Hey Chloe, I'm sorry for your losses. I think it's great that you think thouroughly about life and find your lessons in what it brings to you. I'm also sorry for Anonymous being extremely rude to you, actually doing the exact same thing as he/she is blaming you of: comparing your own feelings to that of others. Every person deals with certain circumstances in a whole different way, but please try to stay respectful to other people. I too have lost a parent and it is extremely difficult to cope with, even after 21 years. But I don't really feel sorry for myself, it's just the cards life gives you, and you'll have to deal with them in the best possible way. You can't do anything about it so you'd better make the best of it and honour the people you love and have loved.
    Also: you can never tell anyone that your loss is so much worse than someone else's, that's just really rude. Just show some respect. Anonymous clearly has no idea how painful these type of reactions can be.

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    1. Hi Greet - thanks for your lovely comment! I agree, we all react differently to death, but our feelings are valid no matter what. And I agree that coping is difficult, but it's always okay as long as it is not in a way that offends or takes anger out on another person. I lost my best friend when I was 10 and it was very difficult on me, but I always believe in finding a way to make it into a positive and by honouring that person - just as I now want to honour these three people who impacted me so greatly. And yes, I may have overstepped a few lines with Anon, but to attack someone for their very honest opinions on the loss in their lives can be very upsetting, especially when it's still in the wake of someone's death. I just want to find a way to understand the loss of these three people, and how to honour them while also comforting those they left behind. Again, thanks so much Greet, and I'm sorry for the loss of your parent, and I'm glad to hear that you are finding ways to cope and honour. That can be a difficult thing to find footing in sometimes. xx

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  4. I am sorry for your losses, but am NOT sorry for you. Learn how life works, and don't be so full of your self.

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    1. Hi anon, I am not asking for anyone to be sorry for me at all! I want no pity. I just ask for understanding on why I haven't been blogging lately, that's it. Please do not take this as me being full of myself or not understanding how life works. I am simply explaining why it would otherwise appear that I have fallen off the face of the Earth. Also, it sounds like you are still figuring out how life works as well if this is how you chose to respond to this. Or, if you have the all magical knowing of ~*how life works*~ then please clue me in and the 7 billion other people on this planet looking for these answers as well. Cool, thanks Anon!

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  5. This doesn't fit with this post, but I read a resent twitter post of yours and I'm just curious how you consolidate your faith with your pro-choice beliefs. Just curious.

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    1. Hi Anon! No problem and good question. I think that a simple comment won't do my beliefs justice, and my faith is something that I will probably at some point write more about...but in the end it feels like the right thing to do. And I know that in a world without safe access to abortion, more women will die and more children will be living in poverty and dangerous situations. I've never felt conflicted in this belief and I've never felt like it challenged my faith in any way. But a concrete explanation isn't something I can provide at this time, unfortunately.

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  6. HI Chloe! :) Not commenting on this post, really, just sending you a note. You're terrific. I've been following your blogging for years now, and you are so quality. I love you. I was just catching up reading the past few posts and noticed the pictures, and especially on this one. What kind of camera do you use? I'm wanting to buy a camera pretty soon and trying to decide. Have a wonderful, wonderful week!

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    1. Hi Hanna! Thanks for the note - I really enjoy your kind words. I use a Pentax K200D. It's a great camera - very solid, takes wonderful photos. Though what you probably like about this photo in particular is in the lens - I used a manual glass lens from an old film camera, which takes a lot more crisp, colorful photos than the kit lens my Pentax came with. It also had a really small f-stop, which contributes to the blurry background.

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