The mega-fab, awesomely babely Jess at Jessthetics interviewed me for her Blogger Favourites feature. She asked some really great, hard-hitting questions about why I started blogging, how I found feminism, and why I'm so open & honest in my writing.
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
21 Things To Do Before I Turn 22
My 21st birthday was in June. It was a surreal birthday, to say the least. I spent the day before at the funeral for a very dear uncle of mine, reflecting on all my memories of him and the lessons he taught me over the 20 years I knew him for. A lot of these lessons weren't things that he sat me down and taught me, of course. They emerged from his many stories about fighting in WWII and the Korean War, his stories of falling in love with his wife, memories of my grandmother (his sister), his experiences living up in the country. My time with him was a blessing and left me reflecting on becoming a better, more courageous and productive person. So, I decided to draft up a list of 21 things to do before I turn 22. Some are goals, things to make me a better person. Some are experiences, things I want to see and smell and touch. Some are things I just need to get done for the sake of doing them.
1. Visit Seattle. I have an old friend living out in Seattle and I've promised to visit him for a few years now, but have never gotten around to it. I've been missing the mountains and my friend, so I think it's time to head out west.
2. Take a road trip. I've made this promise to myself for years, planned trips with friends and boyfriends, and have never gotten anywhere. I've made plans for a few different trips - see Graceland, visit the graves of family who settled in Eastern Wisconsin, hike Yosemite, camp on Lake Tahoe's shores, see the Grand Canyon, explore Yellowstone and Glacier National Parks. This year, I'll do at least one of these.
3. Make amends with all the friends I've hurt. We've all hurt friends before. Earlier this year, I made amends with a friend who I had split from a couple of years ago. It felt good, and I want to make sure I do this with the other few friends I left on bad terms.
4. See Disneyworld during Christmastime. Everyone knows how much I love Christmas, right? I've heard that during Christmastime, Disney pump the streets of the Magic Kingdom with peppermint scent. So cool. Oh, I also want to see Harry Potter World at long last!
5. Finish reading Fitzgerald. I want to finish reading all of Fitzgerald's full-length novels - I still have to finish Tender is the Night and I haven't even touched The Last Tycoon - and maybe even finish up his short stories.
6. Every month, do something that terrifies me. I like doing things that terrify me, but I shy away from them because they're so terrifying. But when I do them, I get a thrill and gain a boost of love for myself. I want to keep doing things that absolutely scare me.
7. Become a regular donor at two non-profits. Even now when I'm underemployed & living with my parents, taking public transportation, I find room in my wallet to make occasional donations to my favourite non-profits. Before I turn 22, I'd like to consider myself a sustaining donor at at least two deserving missions.
8. Try a new restaurant every month. Realistically, I probably eat out a couple of times a month. Also realistically, I probably stick to my 5 or so main places. The Twin Cities is a total hub for dining, so it's time I start exploring new places.
9. Practice gratitude on a daily basis. Last December as I was re-considering my relationship with my boyfriend, I identified his lack of gratitude as one of his worst flaws. After I made this realization, I reflected on my own sense of gratitude towards people, occurrences, and things in my life. I want my 21st year of life to be full of gratitude and a sense of how truly wonderfully fortunate I am.
10. Sew a quilt. I started sewing a quilt last year as a Christmas present for my boyfriend, but I suppose it's mine now! I've wanted to sew my own quilt since I was just a kid looking at all the beautiful quilts my grandmother designed. Before I turn 22, I'll have my own handmade quilt to snuggle up under.
11. Get a third tattoo. I finally decided on a design for my third tattoo! Time to save up and get that ink.
12. Learn to sew my own intimate wear. For whatever reason, I want to learn to sew my own bras and underwear. (Really, I don't know why I want to do this.) Working with lace and sheer fabrics has always intimated me, but I won't ever learn unless if I just right into it!
13. Take time to paint or draw every week. Whenever I take the time to break out the watercolours, I immediately de-stress and find myself centered. For the sake of my mental health, it's time to take a weekly break to paint or draw.
14. Meet more Minnesota bloggers! I know you're out there - right?
15. Become a better networker. So much of my work in development (and, Hell, in getting a job, amiright?) depends on networking. I just recently started networking after the CEO at my internship asked me why I don't use my connections to get a job. Huh....good question.
16. Buy a scooter. I've been dreaming up a Vespa for years now. I think I deserve a toy, even if you only get to use it a few months out of the year in Minnesota.
17. Try online dating. I've always wanted to see what it's all about. If I'm still single in the next year (odds are, yes) then I want to try online dating. Maybe I'll find true love....but I'll probably just walk away with a lot of great stories to add to my collection of terrible dates.
18. Sew something new every month. Something new does not equal hemming pants or repairing a seam.
19. Get back into jewelry making. I still have all sorts of beads and knick knacks from when I was younger and would make myself all of these wacky necklaces and other jewelry. I've recently stumbled upon some really beautiful bead vendors on Etsy, inspiring me to get back into this fun little outlet.
20. Try a new recipe every week. Come on, whose Pinterest board isn't loaded with a million and one recipes to try?
21. Eat more green. I wanted my 21st goal to be a good one but I'll just stick with the cliche. I recently started drinking organic milk and it is so much better. I've started growing an herb garden and would like to branch out into growing my own produce, and shopping more at the farmer's market and my local co-op. Who doesn't hate the idea of putting all those nasty chemicals into your body? It's time to cut back on that.
Monday, June 9, 2014
A Note on Loving Yourself & Why Self-Esteem is Just Kind of Whatever
One of the most popular - and cliched - topics among personal style/lifestyle bloggers is self-esteem issues. I think that because we have our photos all over and talk in-depth about how fab our life/wardrobe is, we're perceived as having some perfect awesome life and ridiculous amounts of self-esteem. Therefore, the need to make a single blog post about our points of low self-esteem seems necessary. I don't think that I've ever dedicated an entire post about this. I've made myself very vulnerable on my blog before - talking about being raised by my mom, my relationship with a heroin addict, and trauma that shaped my teens - but I've never just come out in one single post talking about my feelings on how my self-esteem affects my life. Mostly because I find vulnerability in the way you feel to be much more powerful and significant than vulnerability in the way you look. We all have self-esteem issues when we look in the mirror. Do we really need to talk excessively about it?
I think that low self-esteem is sort of a whatever issue. I've definitely gone through a lot of times in my life where I've had ridiculously low self-esteem. I had acne for years and would actually make a point of not leaving the house - not going out with friends, not going to parties or other functions - because I was so self-conscious about my painful cystic acne. I still get zits now and then and, trust me, they definitely put a damper on my day, but they don't keep me from being myself and loving myself for who I am. When I was younger and my acne held me back, it was because I let it hold me back. I put so much of my self-worth in my skin that it kept me from loving myself.
I didn't really start to appreciate myself (or the way I look) until after my skin cleared up. For the first time in about 6 years - and the first time in my teens - I was able to look beyond the horrendous painful growths under my cheeks. Even very recently, when I'd get a breakout during my cycle, I'd focus so much of my energy on that one spot. I'd attack it - and attack myself for having it - and it's such a worthless argument. I live with the scarring of my acne every day and have quit warring against that so why did I let myself voraciously fall apart over a single spot or two?
We're so obsessed with the way we look because it's the only way that people get to know us with just a glance. It's what we perceive to be the indicator of whether or not this person is worth talking further to. And it's such a stupid thing because seriously, when was the last time that you thought, "That person is too ugly for me to talk to" or "That person has too much acne to be a good, decent person." Never! I've never once held myself back from getting to know someone based upon their skin or their hair or their weight. So why have I obsessed so much over the fact that I think everyone else in the world will reject me if I go to work with a spot on my chin?
I think the worry stemmed from a feeling that people will think that I'm unclean, or that I'm juvenile. That I don't take good enough care of myself. And that doesn't actually represent who I am as a person, so I obsess over fixing it - I want my appearance to reflect the person that I am on the inside. The root of low self-esteem is worrying that people will reject us from the outside and not give the rest of us a chance.
Today I was reading a short interview with Lorde in Nylon magazine. I love reading interviews with Lorde because she's so candid. She openly calls out people for touching up her skin and has declared acne a normal issue that, yes, she deals with and that no, she isn't ashamed of. In this particular interview, she mentioned that her hair looks best when it's unwashed and dirty - just don't smell it or touch it. I laughed at this - our hair is obviously very much alike. I pride myself in going weeks without a proper shampoo. It gets more and more unruly with each missed wash, and I love it for that. I've been with men who try to run their hands through my hair, only to very much regret it. A lot of yanking and tugging and me wincing in pain goes along until they get their hand free and simply pat my locks and never attempt a sexy hair ruffle again. As I read Lorde's interview and thought this over in my head, I felt very at peace with my hair.
I often see girls with perfect ringlets or rad afros and just hate my weird, non-uniform, lackluster curls. They tend to do whatever they want, sometimes laying straight and limp and sometimes balling up into frizz, but always a mixture of the two throughout my hair, leaving me with a weird jungle look rather than sexy curls. But there's something beautiful about the way my hair naturally does its own thing, lush with natural oils and forming odd springs and waves and spirals as it so pleases. I can flip it from side to side, I can let it blow out in the wind, I can stuff it under a hat. Sometimes I braid it, or put it in a huge bun on the top of my head, the size of my head. It's a pretty wonderful thing, even if it isn't always perfect and even if I do have curl envy from time-to-time.
Regardless of my sometimes low self-esteem about my hair, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I wouldn't trade it for perfect ringlets or a big sexy perm of beautiful, pillow soft curls. Would I still be myself without my hair as it is? Sometimes I straighten it - a weird vacation from myself. I look in the mirror and I'm someone else. I'm a British pop star. I'm a mod '60s magazine model. I'm not myself. And it's very uncomfortable to not be myself, honestly. On occasions when my hair is straight, I actually miss myself. I become homesick for me. Not for my hair, but for me.
Part of the reason I am so attached to my hair is because it's the best indicator of the type of person I am. It is wild, it is all over the place. I playfully toss it from side to side, letting it fall wherever it wants and do its own thing. Even more than how I dress - and most certainly even more than the condition of my skin - my hair is the best representation of who I am on the inside which is really the most important part of me.
Just as I've learnt to love my hair, I have learnt to love myself. Yes, it has some to do with the self-esteem I built after my acne cleared. I felt confident to talk to strangers, I felt like someone could actually love me. It was a very material thing, but it was a step towards better understanding myself. But loving yourself is less about self-esteem and more about what you are on the inside. I have so much appreciation for my hair not because it's pretty (or something) and not because it has hordes of middle-aged women with stick straight hair clawing over it with envy. I have this much appreciation for my hair because it's the closest thing to representing myself that I physically have. When people see me, I hope they see my hair and get an idea of who I am.
The first step to loving myself was gaining self-esteem in the way I looked. The first step was, admittedly, having clear skin. I said that I believe self-esteem is sort of a whatever issue, and I stand by that, but would I have been able to love myself without that first bit of self-esteem? Maybe, maybe not.
But I don't think we need to talk excessively about self-esteem. Having self-esteem and loving yourself are not the same thing, though they may be linked for many people. To me, self-esteem is about being able to leave the house in the morning. It's about being able to talk to a stranger - or even a friend. But loving yourself is about being your own best friend. It's about not caring what other people think. It's about being proud of the person that you are - not because you have the approval of someone else, but because you appreciate yourself.
Now that I love myself, I am getting to the point where I want other people to love me for that as well. I have some friends who seem much more interested in me for very mundane reasons - the way I look, how I dress, the music I listen to, the movies I watch. These are friends that I'm neither close with nor that I call upon when I need companionship. It has become very important to me that people love me for who I am on the inside. For my hair, you could say. For my ability to be wild and crazy, to flip from side to side and settle no matter where I am. To go unwashed for weeks at a time but always stay in form. I want to be loved for how I love myself, not for how much self-esteem I have. Love goes deeper than esteem. It never wavers and it never fails the way that esteem does.
I'm trying to obsess less over how I look. In the past several months, I have found myself not caring about spots. When I get them, I put tea tree oil on them and just think, "Whatever, it's not important." I try not to put too much value on my weight, I think less about how I dress. For years, I let these little things weigh on my self-esteem, blocking me from loving myself. Instead of spending hours tearing myself up over a break out - or how thin I am, or how I don't know what to wear - I flip my hair and remind myself how much love I have for myself. I think my hair is the last bit of self-esteem I still cling to. Whether that be low or high self-esteem (it fluctuates from day to day because sometimes I have bad hair days), my hair is the last material piece that I cling to, letting it upset me from time to time in a (probably) unhealthy way.
But all that really matters is loving yourself, not having self-esteem. Maybe you have to have self-esteem as a first step to loving yourself (such as I did), but if you value self-esteem for too long, you're going to take away from being able to love yourself. You're going to put too much value on material little things that don't matter - material little things that don't last long - and cheat yourself out of a sustaining, all-encompassing love. I let my hair weigh on my self-esteem more than I'd like it too - like I said, it's the best representation of myself, so I obsess over it more than I'd like to admit - but it never stops me from loving myself. If I let my appearance - and my self-esteem - drag me down so much that it detracted from my self-love, then I know that it would be time to re-examine my life.
For me, it was a journey from hating myself, to gaining self-esteem, to loving myself and letting go of a bit of that self-esteem. I think self-esteem can be a dangerous thing. It fluctuates too much. It is greedy and foolhardy. Include it in the journey of loving yourself, but don't put everything you have into it. Love yourself more than you esteem yourself. It'll be a much healthier, more fulfilling relationship. In the end, self-esteem is just kind of whatever.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Goals for June
May went by strangely slowly, only becoming fast-paced in the last couple of weeks. And I accomplished a lot. I did some fierce networking and just yesterday accepted a temporary full-time job for the summer working on a political campaign. I finished painting the walls of my parents's porch. I went on a few dates. I began another part of my internship (I'm sort of picking up work in random departments as there are fewer interns this summer). It's been a great month and I'm already so excited for what June brings!
Last month I made four goals for the month of May. I accomplished two of them, so I'm feeling pretty rad right now. Let's take a look:
1. Finish three sewing projects. Ah, yupp! I got three projects done, including finishing up a dress that I began sewing over a year ago. I wore it on Thursday and walked around the office feeling awesome.
2. Do not buy a single article of (new or vintage) clothing. I thought this was going well. I bought some thrift store goods as the non-profit I work for operates a chain of (kick ass) thrift shops and we had a company event at one. And so besides the thrift shop purchases, I was doing great at this. But then....Spell Designs was having a sale. And I bought a pair of velvet leopard print bell bottoms. Twenty Five Dollars, you guys! I couldn't pass up that steal. So I forfeited my May goal and bought them. And yeah, they're fab and totally worth it.
3. Try a new recipe. Yes! I made my mum a big Mother's Day meal and tried a new chicken recipe, as well as a new salad recipe. I also crafted a personal salad recipe myself.
4. Take a road trip. Not quite. I planned a road trip which will be happening in mid-June. Does that count? Not quite. We all tried to find time in May, but our schedules were insane. So, we planned a big camping trip for June and yippeee!
I'm feeling pretty good about myself with these goals. And so, here're my June goals, which hopefully I will feel equally good about come July:
1. Finish my parents's porch. As I mentioned, I finally finished painting the walls of my parents's porch. Next up, I need to sand and paint the floors, and get the rest of the furniture cleaned and moved out there. And have an electrician take a look at the outlet that's falling off the wall. And patch up all the holes that are letting critters in. Now that I've rattled all this off, it seems like a huge project. Ooops. But, my goal is to finish all of this in June!
2. Take (& pass?) my driving license test. My father never let me learn to drive, and after I legally became an adult, I was too busy with school to learn. In the past month, my friend Mike has been nice enough to take me out and teach me. I still have to master parallel parking, but then I'm ready to take my test! I've already set aside a few days to go to the DMV and try to get a testing spot.
3. Work out twice a week. I've been itching to work out lately, so I'm making it a goal. I went out for a nice bike ride yesterday and felt amazing afterwards. So, I want to work out twice a week. And this can include going on long walks or bike rides, in addition to my usual yoga and pilates.
I'm capping my June goals at three, as I'm starting my new job (and continuing my internship) and my plate will be full. But all three of these are really big and will be challenging to do in themselves! I won't lie, I'm nervous about the driving test - and if I fail, I have to wait a couple of weeks to take it again. And finding the energy (and time!) to finish up my parents's porch will be a task in itself. It's not like working out where it's just half an hour here & there, I need to set aside an entire block of time for it. Time management skills, go!
What are you hoping to get accomplished in June?
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Goals for May
You may recall that last month I made four little goals for the month of April. Nothing too big, but I wrote them down and blogged about them, touting my organizational skills and the success of my numerous to-do lists as a reason why I will accomplish my goals with success. Well, my to-do lists live on in glory - these past few days have been a constant stream of cleaning, organizing, applying to jobs, and completing other little tasks - all thanks to my to-do lists! So what's my point in defending my to-do lists? This: I didn't complete my goals for April. They were always in the back of my head, nagging and reminding me. But I rarely ever acted on them. If my Aprils goals were things like, "Re-watch the entire Gilmore Girls series" or "Assemble Ikea bed frame in one afternoon" then I would have nothing but success stories to tell you. But that's not the case, so let's review, with a little explanation of why they were unsuccessful. (Okay - one was successful!)
1. Finish two sewing projects. This is all my laziness. I went out and bought some beautiful fabric, but denied myself starting a new project until I finished the one I was working on. I'm going to work on that dress tonight, but it is such a pain in the butt. I made the pattern myself and have had to tweak it constantly along the way. Plus it's fully lined (headache!) and both of my machines have been having major tension issues. We'll see, maybe I'll finish it tonight, but I'm doubtful. I did finish one sewing project though! I hemmed a pair of jeans. I'm considering that a sewing project completion.
2. Read (and finish) three books. I made some headway into The Heart is a Lonely Hunter, but quit bringing books with me to lunch at work, which put a damper on my progress. I want to be more social & get to know the people I work with better, but I didn't bother finding a time slot to substitute for my lunchtime reading hour. I did technically finish two books though. The other night I picked up a Nancy Drew book (I've been collecting them because they're classics, duhhhh) and read it. And then I picked up another one from the series (Nancy's Mysterious Letter) and just finished that too. I love a good mystery and Nancy is so cool. I've always admired her poise and how take charge she is. Finding my feminist inspirations in strange places!
3. Work out at least three times a week. Fail. Fail so badly. I've been crippled with allergies for the entire month of April (I've been fighting a constant headache for 3 weeks now!). Allergies drain my energy and make me extremely dizzy, not to mention the general not being able to breath clearly thing, making the very thought of exercising rather uncomfortable. I'll get back into it once when the worst bout of the allergy season is over.
4. Reconnect with old friends - complete! This is really the only goal I accomplished in April. I've gotten to see a number of old friends this month (and make some new ones!). I had a little dinner party at my house in early April and invited a bunch of folks I haven't seen much lately and would like to see more of. It was a great success and I woke up the next morning to an inbox of text messages pressuring me into hosting more often because it's such fun. I was up till 4am cleaning, so it definitely won't be a regular thing, but I love entertaining and I love bringing people together.
So now that we've covered my complete failure of an April goals month, here are four new ones for the month of May:
1. Finish THREE sewing projects. I know what you're thinking - "Chloe! You crazy crazy girl! Why do you think you can finish three sewing projects after having barely completed one for last month????" I'm not actually sure why I think I can do this. But I will. I just bought a bunch of new patterns to try. I have so much fabric and know what I want to do with it, I've just never had the patterns to match. As soon as I get these new patterns in the mail, it'll be sewing city in my bedroom!
2. Do not buy a single article of (new or vintage) clothing. To help ensure the achievement of my sewing goal (and because I'm flat broke and have to start repaying student loans in June), I will not be buying a single article of clothing in the month of May. I am allowing myself to purchase thrift shop clothes, but considering I only thrift once in a blue moon, I don't think I'll even end up with a thrift shop purchase in May.
3. Try a new recipe. I want to try some new recipes. I cooked up a storm in April and want to continue that into May. I'm already eyeing a few salad recipes and a muffin recipe.
4. Take a road trip. A friend and I have been talking about heading up to Duluth to visit another friend of ours, but we haven't gotten around to it. It'll be going on a year now that we've been discussing it, so it would be nice to see it done! I've also been discussing a trip to Red Wing, Stillwater, or Taylor's Falls with some friends. Either way, for the month of May, I want to spend a day or two outside of the Cities.
Monday, April 21, 2014
Some thoughts on...convictions
Up until recently, I had never thought of myself as a person with strong convictions. Honestly, I had never really known what it meant to have convictions, or to be someone who was strongly convicted about one thing or another. It was just nothing I had ever considered before. I remember one night last summer, I had gotten into an argument with my sister about the Native population (she was arguing that they're all just lazy drunks, I was arguing that our political system and social structure doesn't give them the same opportunity as what my sister and I have been given). I was so angry by the end that I got up and had to leave. My boyfriend at the time was with me, surveying the entire argument. He never jumped in, which surprised me. I was sure he had some opinion on the matter, even if it didn't side with either me or my sister. Afterwards, he & I went to get ice cream. I laid into him about why he didn't jump into debates like that, and he just shrugged and didn't say anything (this wasn't a surprise - this boyfriend never said much and never had an opinion on anything). After a while of me eating my ice cream and pouting about his lack of an answer, he said, "I really admire you for how strong your convictions are." I just blinked at him and didn't understand. After I asked for clarification, I sat across from this boy thinking, "Oh my gosh - he doesn't stand up for anything, any type of injustice, any type of opinion, because he simply doesn't care about anything." It had never occurred to me before. I just always assumed that everyone had strong convictions on every type of possible thing to have convictions about. Ask me for my opinion on a matter, and I'll let you know what way I lean. Challenge my opinion on a matter, and you bet I'll fight for it, hard. But this former boyfriend of mine, he never had any opinion on anything. Climate change? Nope. Drug legalization? Nope. Student debt? Try again. Abortion? Nah-uh. War in the Middle East? Nothing. All of these massive things that shape the life that he was living, he had no say about because he literally didn't care about any of it.
I was floored after he gave me that compliment. On one hand, it showed me something about myself that I had never thought about before. On the other hand, it showed this gaping hole where there was a complete difference in values between him & I. How could I, a person who holds steadfast to her values and beliefs, be with someone who had no values or beliefs to hold to? This wasn't something that I had never realized in the relationship before. My mother had pointed it out to me on numerous occasions, and there was always a quietness to him whenever I brought up a hot-button topic. It always irked me slightly, but it never seemed like a big deal - at least, not until he brought the word conviction into the conversation. Suddenly, when a word like conviction was being bandied about, the whole thing seemed extremely serious. A red flag began waving at me as I finished up my ice cream that evening. The rest of the night was quiet and cautious as I rolled the word conviction around in my mind.
For me, my convictions tell me how I lead my life. My convictions on climate change dictate the type of transportation I use, the type of products I buy, if I'm going to carry this pop can home with me just so that I can recycle it. My convictions about animal welfare just forced me to spend $20 on free range, hormone free, naturally fed chicken. Had I not cared at all about this stuff, I could've spent $7 on the same amount of chicken. My convictions about equal rights led me to my passion for non-profit work, and particularly the non-profit that I work for. My convictions tell me how to live my life. They shape my daily decisions. Last summer I interned for a politician. Sometimes my political views differed from this congressman's, making it difficult for me to be passionate about working for him. This lack of passion was draining to me. The difference in convictions between the politician and I, even though I was supposed to be representing him & his convictions, was draining to me. I couldn't do it anymore. My convictions are so very important to me that if I have to fake them, if I have to alter my behaviour to align with someone else's convictions, I lose all passion. It makes me grumpy, and even angry. If I don't have my convictions, how am I supposed to live my life?
Without my convictions, I'd be floundering. What would I do for work? I have to have passion for my work in order to succeed. I cannot be indifferent about my work - that's exhausting. It's a waste of my time & talents. And what about how I take care of my body? My convictions keep me from eating too much junk food, and from avoiding fast food entirely. They keep me exercising, doing yoga and pilates, and treating my body with respect. My convictions keep me from doing drugs and drinking in excess with regularity. My friends would be completely different, as well. My convictions dictate what type of friends I keep and what type of friendships I nurture. I have disconnected from friends because they didn't represent my values when it comes to friendship. If it wasn't for these convictions, I would have love-less, disrespectful, and harmful friendships. My convictions keep me loved and loving.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Goals for April
I decided to write down a list of my goals for April. I'm an extremely organized person and always have a million To-Do lists going at a time (but in a very organized way, of course), however I've never written down goals I'd like to accomplish in a more long-term approach. On one hand, I've done the year-long resolutions, which always prove too long and drawn out for me to achieve. And on the other hand, I've done the weekly goals, which have almost always proved successful. But what about slightly more long-term changes I want to make? Enter monthly goals. In the past I've made mental lists of changes I want to make with the start of a new season, but without writing this stuff down, it tends to all be lofty. And so here I am, documenting my goals and holding myself accountable for having had made them in the first place!
1. Finish two sewing projects. I'm absolutely dreadful about finishing projects once I've started them. I spent Sunday in my room hunched over the sewing machine, working on a dress I started crafting over a year ago and thinking to myself, "I have all of this damn fabric, why don't I ever use any of it?!" Indeed, I have more than two storage bins of fabric, yet not many handmade pieces to show for it. After I finish this dress I'm working on, I'm going to chose two more projects and finish them this month. I swear, I will.
2. Read (and finish) three books. This is another problem of mine. I think I have at least 3 books started right now, so I'd like to finish those up before starting on anything new! I cannot even remember the last time that I finished a book (yikes!).
3. Work out at least three times a week. In January & February I was working out 5 times a week, but all of this friend drama and general moping-around-feeling-sorry-for-myself really took away from the exercise regime I had going. I have a handful of work out DVDs, have pinned a dozen exercise routines, and subscribe to both Shape and Fitness magazines, so it's about time I start practicing what I preach (or at least what I subscribe to)!
4. Reconnect with old friends. This has been a fairly long term goal, actually. When my last boyfriend was sick last year, in and out of treatment and never really there for me, I made an effort to reconnect with some old friends to curb the loneliness and anxiety. I recently came to the realization that I don't like most of my "friends" - or the people I most regularly do stuff with - but I'm still extremely fond of some older friends from years back. It's been fab to reconnect with them, as they know me best of all people, and there's something extremely comforting about knowing that years might have passed, but that person is still, at their core, the same person they always have been. Old friends bring out a great joy and youthfulness in me, something that I've missed over the past couple of years of growing hard and cold.
Have you made any goals for April? Ye gods, I can scarcely even believe that it's April already!
Monday, March 17, 2014
Some thoughts on...being cruel to others: Why can't we just help one another?
Jenny Holzer - Truisms
I've been having some issues with a particular friend of mine. I ran out of resources to figure out how to understand the issue, and after numerous suggestions from various people, I reached out to this friend's mother, just asking for some perspective or some advice to understanding why this friend was treating me in such a way. I've met this friend's mother before and she and I have emailed back and forth a few times (she even sent me a Christmas present!), so she isn't a complete stranger to me. I felt a little uncomfortable reaching out to her, but I figured it would only be uncomfortable to me, and she was feeling badly that her child was treating me in such a way, so it wouldn't be anything too uncomfortable for her. I sent her an email explaining why the situation was hurting me and how I wanted to fix it, and asking if she had any perspective, as their mother, as to why this friend was treating me with such cruelty. Moms usually know their children pretty well and, as I've greatly supported her child - emotionally and otherwise - for the past year, I thought she might have something to say that would help me understand the situation. I felt pretty good as I pushed the "Send" button on the email, thinking, "This is someone who actually knows and understands this friend - I know that she'll have something to say that will help me feel better about the situation." Errr - not so much. I received a short, to-the-point email back which said, essentially, "Leave me alone, go get professional help, and move on." I laughed and was fuming at the same time. Her short email made me realize how ungrateful that entire family - my friend included - is for all that I, and my family, had done to help in the past year. This friend lived with my parents for a month (rent free, 3 meals a day) when they couldn't find a place to stay. This friend came over for dinner 3 times a week for a home cooked meal. My family opened their doors to this friend whenever they were having a problem and needed a place to stay or to get away to. I provided huge emotional support to this friend when they were having grave personal issues for the past 7 months. I mean, I never wanted anything in return for it, but it didn't seem unreasonable to expect for this friend's mother to have something nice and comforting to say about the situation. I'm trying not to get too rant-y here, but my point is: Why is it so difficult to be nice to people who are hurting?
I have difficulty being mean or insensitive to people. If someone is hurt, I cannot turn a blind eye to their pain. I cannot tell a hurting person anything that would hurt them more. Even if someone isn't hurt, even if they're having a great day, I couldn't say something mean or petty to them just to spite them. Being mean to people drains me of my energy. I walk away from those situations feeling horrible about myself for being so cruel. Even when I worked in guest services for the Mall of America, I couldn't be mean to rude guests. There were very few times when I said anything mean to anyone, and if I was really having a difficult time being nice to someone who was calling me incompetent or stupid, then I just walked away from the situation or called a manager. There was never any point in me getting hostile just because someone was taking their bad mood or hurt out on me. When someone was giving me attitude, I would smile and ask how I could find a solution to their problem. Yes, the entire purpose of that job was to help people - but isn't that the entire purpose of life, too?
There's been a viral article going around about a young job-seeker named Diana Mekota trying to connect with Kelly Blazek, a professional in the Cleveland marketing field. Blazek sent a harsh reply back to the young woman, calling her tacky & entitled, and ending the long tear down with a snappy, "Don't ever write me again." Blazek's career is now destroyed and she's taken down all of her social networking due to her harsh and unhelpful words. I find that this example underlines how exhausting (and damaging) it is to be mean. Some kind words would have been encouraging for the job seeker and taken no emotional toll on the professional, yet Blazek chose to be mean. Although this is completely different from reaching out to someone looking for emotional support, it still demonstrates the same thing: A lack of empathy, a lack of gratefulness, leads to unnecessarily rude and caustic words.
As a Christian, I am currently observing Lent. Many people who were raised in the Christian faith might know that during Lent, there's an expectation to give something up during the 40 days. As a kid, I always chose stuff like ice cream or Saturday morning cartoons. When I was 17, I gave up dating, even! The point of this "giving something up" concept is that Jesus suffered for your sins, and so to even it out you have to give something up....or something. The concept never really quite made sense to me and always seemed a bit backwards of what we're actually supposed to be learning during Lent. In recent years, I've been trying to observe Lent by putting an extra effort into being a good citizen, whether that be by volunteering, producing less waste, recycling more, cleaning the neighborhood, etc. On Sunday, I was in church, reflecting on the cruel and unnecessarily harsh words of my friend's mother from days before. The gospel reading for the day was from John and included 3:16-17, For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not perish but have eternal life. Indeed, God did not send the Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. This verse lingered with me as I sat in my pew, and as I went forth into the world after the service. I realized that, instead of giving something up for Lent, I should make it my goal to be more loving and more caring. As a Christian, you are taught that God is love and Jesus sacrificed his life because of this love. So the best way to observe Lent is to love, right? And so, for Lent, I am making it my 40 day "goal" per se, to be more full of love, and to spread that love.
I am viewing this through the lens of my faith because it is relevant, in that way, for me. However, you certainly do not need religion, Christian or otherwise, to realize the healing powers of love. My religion helps me put certain attitudes - love, hate, compassion, greed - into perspective, and I find that it helps me, but you can use whatever method you'd like to find the power of and the correct equation for these attitudes. But it comes down to this: You say kind things to others, you feel love towards others, and the world is a better place. You say petty things to others, you feel hate or even simply indifference to others, and the world is only full of more hurt. I don't want to be causing any more hurt, and my entire purpose in life is to make this world - even if it's only the world of a single person or a small group of people - better. I've been reflecting a lot of things that I can do to be more loving, more compassionate, more kind, and more healing.
Source: RoomForEmptiness via Zazzle
Today I went to the funeral of a man I went to church with. He had sponsored me to volunteer in Guatemala back in 2012, and his positive attitude, smiling face, and humorous spirit were always valued in the congregation. In the homily, my pastor highlighted a simple act that this man would do every night before bed: He apologized to those he loved for any hurt he may have caused them. Even if it was unintentional, even if it had gone past him unnoticed, he apologized for it. Every night. I think that's a beautiful thing that I would like to learn from. I'm the type of person who apologizes the next day, or a week later, sometimes even years later. And it always lifts a weight off my chest when I find the strength to apologize, so why not do it every night? Never be plagued by that regret of mean spirited-ness.
I was thinking about why the heck I bothered to reach out to my friend's mother. I had never been quite comfortable around her and always found her to be phony rather than genuinely considerate (not to get all Holden Caulfield on you). I realized that the reason I felt reasonably comfortable doing it was because I was thinking, "What if this was my mother?" If my hurting friend reached out to my mother, I know that she would sit and talk to them for hours, for as long as they needed, and probably make them a home cooked meal to go with it. Because that's just the type of person my mother is. She attends trainings on emotional healing. She goes to my church's substance abuse outreach ministry even though she isn't an addict. She made cookies for her co-worker the other week because that co-worker agreed to take my mother's shift. My mother represents the type of kindness and compassion that I want to exemplify. I think that now that I've realized who my real life role model is for that type of behavior (Princess Diana is amazing, but not quite as feasible), I will have a better idea of how to be that type of compassionate and loving.
In real life, I am fairly reserved and quiet. I don't think that translates over the internet. There have been many times when I've seen people looking like they might be hurting, or need help, and I have neglected to reach out to them. I cannot say that I have ever, ever turned down someone who has come to me for help, but that's only because it feels right & natural to help people, even if it doesn't convenience me. But what about the people who are hurting and don't realize that there are people out there who are willing to help? I think it is time for me to make a change with that. In observation of Lent, and in also wishing to become a better person, I am going to think twice before I speak. I am going to apologize for any hurt I might have caused. I am going to reach out to people who might be hurting. Even if they say no thanks, at least I let them know that I'll be there if they need anything. Those are the types of qualities that I wish more people had, so why don't I start with myself? Now that my eyes are so open to this, I want to learn more about how I can be better at helping others and being kind, spreading love. What types of things do you do to be more kind, more compassionate, in your daily life?
Friday, February 21, 2014
On Being Seventeen
I always look back at 17 as being the best year of my life. I'm not really sure why, but I just remember being so full of life and so hopeful about everything. Life was bliss and nothing could touch me. I look back at that year as the time in my life when I was most alive. Not only could nothing touch me - I didn't let it - but nothing could stop me, either. The years before that, I was terribly shy, plagued with a deep depression and with suicidal thoughts. I had a close knit group of friends who I spent almost all of my time with. I watched every French indie film that I could get my hands on and I spent hours upon hours staring off into nothing and just thinking horrid things about myself and my life. This all started around the age of 10 and quit mid-way into my sixteenth year of life. I'm not sure what changed that I snapped out of it, but I did. And I turned 17 with some of the most joy and life that I've ever felt.
Just the other day, I found these photos on a forgotten file in my computer. They were taken when I was 17 by Wynona Grey and Reed Herreid of the now defunct street style blog Minneapolis Affair, commissioned for an article in a local magazine. I remember being nervous about taking these photos - and the feature itself - because up until then my blog had been held in utmost secrecy. My parents didn't know about it. I don't even think that my friends knew about it, or my boyfriend. It was my private place only read by people who didn't know me. I remember that when the article came out, everyone was impressed but I was pretty embarrassed. Most people didn't understand why I blogged. A lot of people thought that I believed myself to be self-important. My supervisor called me up to his office specifically so that he could make fun of me for it, striking fake model poses and pouting his lips. The guys who worked in the cash office taped the article up behind the bullet proof glass so all of my hundreds of co-workers could see. I kept a good sense of humour about it, but I remember feeling like I wanted to go hide in a cave. It was a feeling that I hadn't felt all the time that I was 17 - it was how I felt from the ages of 10 through 16. I bounced back from it of course, but I always felt a sort of shame about making my blog public to the people who actually knew me.
When I was 17, I was constantly flirtatious. I had a steady boyfriend at that time and I think I drove him mad because I was always playing games with other guys. I don't remember having particularly high self esteem during this time, but it was the first time in my life that men were giving me attention, and so I took it and ran with it. It was my own little form of entertainment even if I never went further than flirting and little games. I was very happy in my relationship with my boyfriend. It was not true love by any means, but he was a great companion and I was happy with him. He always seemed nice, though behind the scenes he was critical of me for being myself and he had a quick temper. Sometimes he'd scream so loud and angry at me, his entire face would be beat red and contorted. I was always a little fearful of his anger, but he never laid hands on me and in my eyes of being an invincible 17 year old high off of loving life for the first time in many years, that was all that mattered.
I was in school during this time - my second year of college - but I don't ever remember going to class. I think I had a lot of lectures that year (generals, ugh!) and I tended to skip a lot. I spent so much of my time going on adventures with my boyfriend. I didn't have many friends, my main friend group from high school having splintered off just months beforehand. But it was okay - I had a work family in my co-workers, and I spent my weekends driving around the Minnesota countryside with my boyfriend, hiking random trails, chasing cows down back country highways, and four wheeling through fields of wild prairie grass. I don't really remember ever being home during this time. I do remember having arguments with my mother about what an acceptable amount of time to be away from home was - is four days too much? I tended to just leave, not saying how long I'd be gone, and show back up days later with a pile of dirty clothes and my mind full of adventures and all of the crazy people I'd met.
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