Friday, May 16, 2014

Some Thoughts On...My Last Relationship


A few weeks ago, a young woman was killed by her boyfriend in the backseat of her car while sitting next to her 8 month old baby. It didn't shake the Twin Cities as much as it should have, and it didn't open up conversation in the same way that so many domestic homicides do. In fact, it only reached my ears because the young woman had worked where I used to, and also attended a high school just a block away from me. When I read about her death, I immediately felt a very deep connection to her. Not because we once worked for the same company, not because her face was familiar from seeing her around the break room - I felt a connection to her because her murderer had mental health problems as well as substance abuse issues. I suddenly had so much empathy for her situation that I couldn't help but feel the same type of terror, uncertainty, helplessness, and even love that I'm sure she felt during her relationship. I imagined all of the difficult decisions and heartbreak she went through in the months before her tragic murder. She was my own age and dealing with a boyfriend going through many of the same things that I went through with my boyfriend. I felt deeply connected to her.

For some time now - since last August - I've been contemplating how to approach this topic on my blog. I knew that it was something that was important for me to talk about, I just didn't know how I wanted to broach the subject, or how to express my many emotions surrounding it. When I heard about the death of this young woman, I knew that I was ready to talk about it, and I knew that it was important to talk about it. I fear the stigma that surrounds substance abuse and mental illness, and I fear the effects that it has not only on those suffering from it, but also the people who love him. I don't fear the stigma for my own reasons, but I fear it because it isolates people, it causes hurt and anger and fear. And that's no good. So, I want to break down that stigma and have a real talk.

From December through this past January, I was in a relationship with a drug addict. He was in recovery when we met, and though I entered the relationship with caution, I trusted that he was in a more stable place, a place where he could care for another person and accept the responsibility that comes along with any relationship or friendship. I was careful in the relationship, realizing his limitations and struggles. I never fussed when he needed to cancel our plans in order to go to an AA meeting or talk with his sponsor. I'm not a high-maintenance girlfriend, so I had confidence that, as long as he stayed sober, our relationship would not disturb his recovery.

In July, it all changed. He slowly became a different person until one day, I woke up to realize that the person I was in love with was nothing like the person I had fallen in love with. He was always crabby and quick tempered. He preferred to play World of Warcraft over going out with me. We'd make plans and he'd be irritated and angry with me when it was time to go out. He cancelled most of the time and stayed holed up working on homework and playing video games. He quit going to meetings, his sponsor had moved across the country, and he didn't like his new sponsor. I kept going along with the relationship, assuming that his change in attitude was related to school - which it probably was - not realizing that he was quickly spinning out of control and likely to use again. Friends would ask me how he was, and I wouldn't have anything to say. An asshole? Yeah, he was, but that didn't seem fair. Stressed? Struggling with school? Unable to juggle more than one responsibility at a time? Always angry? Crabby & ungrateful? All of these would have been fit to describe him.

He started using again in August after stealing a prescription from a friend who had left me in charge of her house. As soon as I let him into her house, he started digging around in all the cabinets and drawers. I was suspicious. He seemed obsessed with going through her stuff. I'd walk into a room and he'd be wildly rifling through a dresser. It seemed very inappropriate, but I didn't realize that he was looking for drugs. I thought he was just being rude. I kicked him out of the house, but needless to say, it all spiraled out of control from there. I encouraged him to talk with his sponsor. I told him to tell his parents that he was using again. I didn't know what else to do. Say the wrong thing, get angry with him for having this disease, and I could only make it worse. I was cautious and tried to withdraw myself from being emotionally involved in the relationship. I tried to focus entirely on school and my two internships.


He went to rehab in October after stealing my sister's prescription. I had sat him down in Bruegger's Bagels on campus in between my classes and said, "You need to apologize to my sister. I'm not doing this anymore. Go to rehab, or I'm not going through this with you any further." On top of the stealing and the extremely unpleasant behavior, he has been disappearing. Sometimes for days. He didn't have any friends in the Cities - the only one that I knew of, he barely had any contact with - so I was without anyone to contact when he went missing. I didn't know his parents. When they had visited just before he relapsed, they had kept promising to take us out for dinner & get to know me better, but they never did. I think they just wanted to see their kid, I don't think they had much interest in me. I didn't know what to do when he'd go missing. I knew that he was probably doing drugs in his room in the run down house he lived in with strangers, but I worried about his safety. He had never even had a conversation with anyone he lived with, much less did they know he was sick and might need their help in an emergency. I had lost 10 pounds in September from the stress of school, interning, and worrying about the boy I was fiercely in love with. I hated him too, though. I would look at him and just hate him. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted him to go away, get out of my life. I wanted him to have never existed I hated him so much. But I loved him, too. I cried every night, hurting over how much he was hurting but didn't know because of the drugs. I cried because the boy I loved no longer existed and I had my doubts that he'd ever be back. And if he did, would I be able to look at him in the same way I used to?

During this time, I withdrew from my friends and felt very alone. Everyone was critical of my boyfriend. They'd tell me he was trash, he wasn't worth my time, he didn't care about me. They'd say absolutely horrible things about him, not realizing that it hurt me. But I cannot blame my friends. Their hate for my boyfriend stemmed from their love for me and their wishes for me to have someone treat me kindly. It stemmed from a lack of understanding for what he was going through. It's so easy to look at an addiction as a choice. It's not so easy to realize that it's a disease. It isn't self-inflicted. This disease stemmed from pain my boyfriend felt about his past, the way he'd been treated, the way he treated people, and the solace he found in a drugged existence. It wasn't his choice. I could see that everyday was a struggle for him. He wasn't a happy kid. Sometimes I'd see this extreme joy and passion within him, and it was one of the most beautiful things in the world. But most of the time, he was down. And when he was down, it was difficult to get him back to the surface. I'd spend hours talking him out of whatever unhappy hole he'd sunken into. I reassured him of my love for him, of the love and support his family gives him. I'd compliment his brain, telling him how ridiculously smart he was - that he could change the world if he wanted. I told him how proud I was of him, how much effort he put into recovery and being a better person. I encouraged him to focus on what mattered to his future. I put so much of myself and my energy into helping him back up when he was down. It wasn't a fun thing. It was emotionally draining. By the time he was back to his normal self - not joyful, but happy enough to function - I was drained and left concerned about if this is what our future looked like.


Our relationship never improved after July. He left rehab in October and spent a weekend holed up doing drugs. He went back, and stayed for the month. He came back and was the same sullen, cranky boy who had gone in. He relapsed in December. I was graduating and he came to my graduation ceremony. I wasn't even sure if I wanted him there, but I invited him anyways. He could barely stay awake. He wasn't talking. He spent the entire ceremony playing a game on his phone. He complained of his stomach hurting. He was cranky. He ruined my day. My graduation from college was the biggest day of my life - something I had been working towards since I was a 3 year old headed off to preschool. And here it was, my big achievement, and he had to be rotten through the whole thing. I cried at him when we got home. Why did he always have to be sick? Why couldn't he take care of himself? Why couldn't he just be happy for me? Why couldn't he care about me for once? He got up and walked out on me. He went back to rehab five days before Christmas. He was supposed to pick me up for a movie at 5pm but he never showed up. I sat for 5 hours, calling him every half an hour. His phone was off. I was panicked. It was like it always was when he'd disappear suddenly, caught in a loop of doing drugs and not caring about anything but the drugs. I emailed his mother, worried. He went back to rehab, she emailed back. That was it. Nothing else from her. Just, he checked back into rehab. I spent our anniversary, Christmas, and New Year's alone. He called me two weeks later, acting like nothing was wrong. Acting like he hadn't just taken off on me without a word. Acting like my hurt was insignificant, it was okay for me to sit and worry about him for hours. He didn't apologize. He never apologized for anything, so I wasn't expecting an apology. It's a disease, I reminded myself. Besides, I was always happiest when he was in rehab. I could focus entirely on myself, knowing that he was safe. For all of January, I worked out every day. I ate constantly. I put in overtime at work. I caught up with all my friends, including ones I hadn't seen in years. I was finally happy, after months of carrying around this heavy weight and constant dread & fear.

Both times that he went into rehab, I told him that I didn't think I wanted to be his girlfriend anymore. It was all too much. Both times he asked me to stay by his side. He made promises. I believed the promises, remembering how completely wonderful our relationship once was. When he got out of rehab in January, I told myself that it was a fresh slate. We'd do things differently. And he got out, and he seemed like the boy he used to be. He was sweet and excited and happy. He was following the instructions that the rehab center had recommended: a meeting every day, find a new job, get a new sponsor, live in a sober house. I was hoping that things would be better. Things were good for two weeks. He would look at me the way that he used to. We planned a trip to visit his parents. He made reservations for Valentine's Day & talked about how he wanted to do something really special for me. But we still had a problem with him forgetting about plans. He'd cancel at the last minute, or show up two hours late without an explanation. It caused me anxiety. It reminded me too much of his behavior when he was using. I worried that he would disappear for days again and I'd be left distracted with intense worry. One evening, he cancelled on me at the last minute. I couldn't take it anymore. I called him that night to talk it out, to try to find a solution. But, he had turned his phone off & gone to bed without a single word to me all evening. I was so hurt. I cried. I left him a voice mail saying that I couldn't do this anymore, it took so much out of me and he didn't give anything back. I went to bed in tears that night, so completely hurt by how little he cared about my feelings and the anxiety that his behavior caused me.

I tried calling him a couple of days later after not hearing from him. No answer. I called again. And again. I called him for a week. Nothing. I emailed his mom asking if he was okay. I was so worried that something was wrong. He was sick. He was hurt. His mother didn't respond. I emailed her again, expressing my worry over his safety. No response. I eventually heard from him a week later. "I thought it would be best this way," was his only explanation for not taking my calls and blocking my number. I cried. I wanted to talk with him. He refused to, saying that it would be too upsetting. When I began crying, he became enraged. He told me he didn't love me - he hadn't for some time - and that we were terrible together. He said that we were never going to go anywhere because the relationship didn't work and never had. I was so hurt. The entire year that we were together had been a complete lie. All the promises he had made me were lies. The last time that I saw him, we were getting pie and talking about how excited we were for Valentine's Day. I said, "I cannot believe it'll be our second Valentine's Day together!" "I hope we have many, many more," he said. I couldn't believe we had made it through everything and were still together. "I hope we'll be together for much longer," he said. But it was all a lie. He didn't love me anymore, and hadn't for some time. He hung up on me while I was crying and blocked my number. He never handled anything well. He doesn't have any friends because he is unable to care about anyone but himself. He wasn't raised with compassion or empathy. He was never taught values or convictions. It didn't surprise me that this was how he chose to end things. It hurt me deeply, but it didn't surprise me. He isn't a strong spirited person, and he doesn't know how to treat people with love.


In the end, I am extremely happy to be out of that relationship. That isn't what I want my future to be like. I don't want to be completely in love with a person who doesn't care about me or how his behavior affects me. When he'd see how much his using hurt me, he'd say, "You care about me too much. If I was you, I would have left a long time ago." He would have left because he doesn't have the capacity to love, truly love, other people. And it's sad. Now that I am here, at this point in my life, my friends have stopped saying bad things about him. I let them into the full picture because I was finally ready for people to see it. I've quit isolating myself, being scared to let people into that ugly part of my life. It feels good to have my friends back - to have myself back. I was flying in that freedom until I read about the young woman being killed by her boyfriend, who also suffered from mental health & substance abuse issues. It was a harsh reminder of what I had gone through and all the emotions, the isolation, that went along with that.

And that's really what I want to talk about: the isolation. My relationship would have been so much easier to handle if my friends and my family were there with me, trying to understand it with me, and comfort me from the hurt it brought me. But instead, I was met with a wall of hatred - not for me, but for him. My friends would talk about him voraciously, as if he wasn't even human, as if he wasn't suffering from a disease. They talked down to me for staying by his side, as if I didn't hurt. As if I didn't have to take extra bathroom breaks at work just so I could cry in the bathroom stall. As if I didn't completely hate the boy I was with. But also as if I didn't love him. Because I did, and when someone is sick and broken, that's when you love them more. My aunt is currently beating brain cancer and has an entire Facebook group set up so that friends can leave her messages of love and support. Because that's what you do when someone is sick. I didn't want to be put down for trying to support my boyfriend when he was sick. But that's what so many of my friends were doing, making me feel embarrassed and ashamed for supporting him and believing in him. In the bottom of my heart, I didn't feel like my boyfriend would ever be okay. I didn't have confidence in him ever being sober long term, but that wasn't reason enough for me to give up on him when he was in crisis. That's not enough reason to give up on someone and just toss them out. And I wish my friends could have understood that. You wouldn't throw someone out because they have cancer, so why throw someone out when they have a disease of a different sort?


Maybe I am naive. Maybe I just see too much beauty in the world. Or maybe I just see the power of love. For me, love is the absolutely most important thing in the world and it's a huge blessing to be loved and to have the capacity to love others. I know that my friends were just trying to love me, too. I know that they were angry that I was being mistreated, because they love me. But please, I urge you to look at addiction from a different angle. I urge you to not throw anyone out. I urge you to respect the love that your friends have for other people. And when your friends are hurt or in crisis, I urge you to show them support by showering them with love. I wish that my boyfriend had understood that. I wish that he could have sensed my hurt, and I wish that, when he did, he didn't react with anger or more hurt. And I wish that when my friends were angry with my boyfriend, they didn't react with anger. I wish that everyone just had love for each other, even when it seems easier to be angry. I do not regret a single ounce of the love I showered on my boyfriend, but I do regret the few moments of anger that sprouted up when love was just too difficult of a choice to make, when my hurt was consuming me too much. Loving someone who is sick, especially sick with addiction, is absolutely one of the most terrifying, helpless feelings in the world. So much of the recovery process relies on the spiritual strength of the person struggling, making it horrifying to look at from the outside - when all you really can do is look in from outside. All I could do was support him and be there for him as much as I emotionally could be. And all I needed was for my friends to understand this, and try to feel empathy. Because substance abuse has so much stigma surrounding it, it isn't something we feel empathy for. It isn't something that we feel connected to when he hear about another teen dying of a heroin overdose - something that is becoming increasingly common as heroin becomes cheaper & more accessible. Substance abuse is something we disconnect from, isolating the abuser as something other than a good, capable human being. And that isn't really right, and it isn't really productive. There is so much hurt that revolves around substance abuse, and I really believe that the best way to deal with it is with love. So, please, love your friends and your family. Especially when they're hurting, and especially when you're first reaction is to feel anger or hatred. Don't succumb to those negative feelings and just love.

Please consider making a donation in memory of the young woman who was killed, whose family now has to raise a child without the love of his mother.

After Edit: I want to clarify a few things that have come to my attention in feedback to this post. I am in no way condoning a violent or abusive relationship. I am not saying that love will "fix" people with substance abuse issues. Safety always comes first, and loving & respecting yourself always comes before loving another person. My main point is that if someone you know loves & believes in someone with a substance abuse issues, try to show them love rather than anger about their decision.

I have also changed the photos because conversation was turning too much into the photos I was showing, and not about the words. This is the first time I've been able to talk about the relationship - my boyfriend never allowed me to voice my opinion about it - and it's important to me that my words are heard. To me, sharing these photos was a happy illustration. They are the last happy photos I have of him, some of them being taken the day before he relapsed. Being grainy, overexposed, and blurry, I found nothing wrong with them. However, people seemed to. I have changed the photos. To me, they are a happy representation of what I was fighting for. To others, I was using them with petty motives, which was not my intention at all. I do not wish to debate the photos any further, so I have changed them. Please pay attention to my words. They are the first time they are being heard and it took a lot of courage for me to be able to produce them and publish them. Please respect that.

Thanks again for reading. Most responses have been lovely & I love you all xx

32 comments:

  1. im speechless, you are such an amazing person. thank you so much for sharing your story x

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  2. Oh Chloe, this is a heartbreaking piece of writing. I've been following your blog for quite some time without commenting too much, but with every blog you write you make such a profound impression on my heart and soul. This one, though, has to be the most deeply touching of them all. I'm so impressed by your way of handling evolutions in your life, always following your heart and considering the feelings of others. Loving someone who has to go through such a struggle, it has to be extremely terrifying and scary.
    Substance abuse is such a tragic disease, it's so brave of you to open your heart to us all and shine a different light on this matter and inspire people. I'm really happy that you are part of this world.

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    1. Hi Greet, thank you for your comment - I'm glad to hear from you! I enjoy hearing from my behind the scenes readers just as much as those who comment frequently. Thank you for your sweet words. It took me a few months to formulate what I wanted to say, because I knew writing about it as it was happening would not be wise. I've had some time to reflect, come to terms, and shape it into something slightly more positive, or at least something honest & open without any anger or hurt or frustration. I really hope that people reading this will see that and move forward into the world with a more open heart and mind to people dealing with substance abuse, as well as their friends & family who support them. Thank you for reading xx

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  3. Your story is sad because of your hurt but also wonderful because of your hope. Your kind, caring, loving attitude is one that more people need to adopt and your writing is completely captivating. A different, thoughtful, honest post xx

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    1. Hi Maria, thank you for your kind comment & thank you for taking the time to read my story xx

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  4. You had a choice to stay in that relationship. You condescend like the rest of the world is just confused and scared of addicts. If only we could all have the love you do, and be prone to the beauty like you do.

    I guess that would have helped my mom and her boyfriend when I was younger. I tried to leave the house when I was six and they were doing drugs. My moms boyfriend put a gun to my head. If only I 'just loved.'

    You are extremely naive. You do not know what it means to live with an addict. Reading something like this just makes me sick. It trivializes all the pain and struggle and tragedy people who are living in addicted families are really going through.

    You were in a bad relationship. He told you and gave you signs from the get-go that he didn't want you. Stop putting more meaning into it than that. And putting your boyfriends face all over your blog saying he's a heroin addict? That's internet harassment. Try having a little sensitivity.

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    1. Hi Anon, I'm sorry that you had to go through that when you were young, and I'm sorry that you misunderstood me. I'm not trying to make something beautiful out of or trivialize something tragic. I'm just trying to grow from terrible things in my life. And I am in no way saying that you should let yourself self-destruct because you're trapped in a relationship with someone. I am simply saying that it is helpful to show love and support to people who are affected from substance abuse, rather than hatred or talking down to them because of the situation they are in. Every situation is different, but I still believe we should treat them with love and kindness rather than hatred, anger, fear, or indifference.

      As far as the photos go, I do not believe that this is internet harassment. For one, I own the photos. For two, he had, in the past, allowed me to post his photos on my blog. For three, I couldn't ask his permission as he has blocked my number. I am not harassing him due to his addiction here. I am simply telling an honest story. I'm sorry that you didn't interpret my words the way that they were intended.

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    2. I have to admit, I was wondering what was going on with him all this time. I'm glad you shared your story but it makes me uncomfortable that with your story, we're getting a good bit of his. I can see the care you took in explaining what was going on and I'm certain you don't have malicious intent. I just know I wouldn't want all my business aired out in such a public forum.

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    3. Hi Alaina, thanks for your comment & for reading my story! Yes, I thought really long & hard about what I wanted to include and what I wanted to leave out. In the end, I tried to keep it down mostly to my own feelings and what I saw. I took care to leave out any identifying information about him, even down to his name, age, or where he's from. I mean nothing malicious about this. I wish that, instead of me having to talk it out on my blog, he could have just talked it out with me, but he refused to and went as far to avoid talking with me about it as to block my phone number, just adding to the scars & just adding to what I chose to share about this experience. I took a lot of care in editing what I wanted to say about it, and creating a picture that I find to be fair. And I was careful to not make any sweeping statements about people with addiction issues, instead focusing on how I could have been helped better, not how he could have been helped better (because really, I don't know). Thanks again for reading, & I hope this helps clear up any uncertainty!

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    4. This is a very slippery slope! Just because his name wasn't posted here, it could be somewhere else linked to you, which could come back here. This could affect future employment, friendships, relationships. If he blocked you, I think you can assume that he wants to wash his hands of all of this.

      I'm sure your intentions were good. But putting his picture up is so completely unnecessary to your story. I'm sure you would not appreciate an ex of yours putting up your picture in relation to THEIR side of the story. Not attaining permission does not equal him giving you permission. I know you would not advocate for that if the roles were reversed.

      Please take the photos down, they are inappropriate and potentially hurtful.

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    5. If he finds an issue with it, he can contact me about it, but I see no problem with illustrating my story with photos. They are photos of happy times before his relapse, and to me, they are flattering of what our relationship once was. They are a ghost of the person he used to be. To most people, these are just photographs of my nameless boyfriend. I'm not even sure I ever attached his name to photos of him on my previous blog. It's a decision that I made and I'm standing by that decision.

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  5. What a difficult thing to go through. It's easy to forget that mental illness and addiction are diseases and not choices, and I'm sure you had to make a lot of very hard decisions.
    Even though it was hard, I'm glad you're out of that toxic relationship and have more time to focus on yourself, because you deserve that.

    Rachel

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    1. Rachel, thank you for your kind words! I agree, I am so glad to be out of that relationship. Thanks for reading my story xx

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  6. I've been following your blog for a very long time. I haven't ever commented, but was deeply stirred (idk if that's the right word) by this post. Thank you so much for sharing this, for speaking about it. It's something that is incredibly important. Incredibly, incredibly important. I feel for you and I feel for him. I feel for your friends. Love really is the most important thing in the world. It is so, SO.. so very important to show love to people when they really need it. sometimes it can be hard to see when/that they really need it. but that's exactly when. I love you Chloe. Thanks for this powerful post.

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    1. Hi Hanna, thank you for reading my story & for leaving such a beautiful comment. I'm glad that we can agree about the power of love xx

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  7. I'm so sorry you had to go through this, but you're really such an amazing person. I really appreciated that you said how we shouldn't treat people with addictions like bad people. I actually ended up starting a conversation with my parents today about it and my dad totally went the whole route of "Well, they chose to do the drug." It's so easy for people to call other people with alcohol or drug addictions bad people because their addictions often do turn them into "bad" people, but it's no help at all telling them they're scum when they probably already feel like that. Anyway, thank you for feeling comfortable enough to be so honest with the people who read your blog. You're such a sweet and caring person and this post made me want to give you a hug.

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    1. Thank you for your comment Janey! I think that, even this boyfriend often thought he was a bad person because of his disease. I spent a lot of the relationship assuring him that he was a good person, though in the end, it didn't matter what I said - it's about what he believed. And yes, I think it's important to talk about this in public forums. I thought about it for a long time - what pieces of the story I wanted to share, as it isn't only my story but also his, so it's important to be sensitive - but in the end, I think I shared the most important pieces to understand the decisions that I had to make. Thank you for reading & for starting a conversation about it xx

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  8. Chloe, this is a wonderful post and I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. Addiction is an awful disease. There's addiction in my family, and I think one of the hardest parts is trying to seperate where the disease is to blame, and where the individual is to blame, especially when they're lying, stealing etc. I think your attitue of approaching everyone with love is so powerful, and so is having the ability to recognise when loving another is damaging you. xxx

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    1. Jess, yes it's so difficult! I think I often blamed the disease where I should have blamed him, but it is what it is. It's difficult to know where the blame lies, often. Thank you for your lovely comment xx

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  9. Chloe, this post is so beautifully written. poignant, honest.. it's really struck a chord with me. I've been reading your blog for a couple years now, and have always been totally in awe of your style, skills in writing and how brave you are, truly. A couple years ago I went through a similar struggle with my best friend, and though different than a romantic relationship, a lot of the emotions you touched upon here were ones I battled with too. I totally sympathise with you, being the 'other' in this type of situation is such a difficult and mentally/emotionally taxing role. I haven't heard from this friend for three years now, (they also abruptly cut off communication), and although its a horrible (horriblehorrible) mental curve to get around, I hope that you are starting to feel a sense of whole-ness (does that make sense?) and personal freedom. I hope that in writing this post you've had some closure. you've come through a very emotionally intense time, I sincerely wish you the best as you continue to rebuild your strength xxxxx thank you for sharing this story

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    1. Hi Celia, thank you for reading my story & for following my blog. That means the world to me. I'm sorry that you had to go through that with your friend. It is amazing how needlessly cruel people can be, but it teaches us not to do the same thing to people...so there's always a silver lining? Again, thanks for reading - lovely to hear from you xx

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  10. I wish that your friends had been able to be a better support network for you. I have a severely depressed friend who struggles with the addiction of self-harm. I have remained friends with her since we were 15 (for 9 years now) though she's put me through hell quite a few times over the years. Addiction is an evil disease no matter its form. It changes people for the worse and it's so hard to show love when the person you love is hurting. My best friend, fortunately has always stood by my side and supported my maintaining this other friendship even when it gets toxic. My husband has also always shown support for me though it has gotten harder and harder for him the more times he has seen me hurt. I am so glad that you are able to begin healing and that you were able to write this! Two books that I found fascinating that deal with addiction (meth in particular) are Tweak and Beautiful Boy. Tweak is from the son's point of view as he battles his addiction and Beautiful Boy is from the father's point of view as he watches his son go through his addiction. Perhaps they could give you some comfort? Or even just be relatable? I thought it was tremendous to read about one family through two lenses, and it gave me a better grasp on how addiction works and what it's like to be an addict. Let me know if you ever do read them!

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    1. Hi Allison, thanks for the thoughtful comment! I'm sorry you've had to go through a similar experience, but it's good that you have support, especially if it's been ongoing. Thanks for the book recommendations. Right now, I'm trying to avoid too much exposure to this type of issue because it's still very raw and painful for me to confront other than through meditation and self-reflection. But, when I'm ready to get a deeper understanding, I will definitely keep those two in mind. Unfortunately, this isn't the first time I've dealt with addiction, and I'm sure it won't be the last. Knowing that these resources are out there will be a help. Thanks! xx

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  11. Wow, Chloe thank you so much for writing this. You have changed the way i think about addiction completely and you are so right. It is a disease just like any other and should not be approached with anger and disgust. I've had a couple relationships with people with mental illnesses, one with a boy with borderline personality disorder who was especially hard to be with. My friends would always tell me to stop seeing him because of how much he upset me and despite it not being a serious relationship (only a few months) and I wasn't in love with him I couldn't stop seeing him. I wanted to help him deal with it, I wanted other people to see the goofy side of him that I saw. In the end I did stop seeing him because I just couldn't put up with the hot and cold nature of him. I didn't want to wake up not knowing if he was going to be nice to me or not that day. I still worry about him and its been 2 years. I seem to attract boys with mental illnesses ha, as my boyfriend now suffers with depression but he handles it very well. There are days when he is down and I feel so helpless but I am lucky enough that my friends understand and comfort me. They no longer see it as something that can be controlled which is good but I wish they had been the same with the boy with bpd then maybe I wouldn't have gotten myself into such a bad place back then too.

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    1. Safiya, thanks for the lovely comment & thanks for reading my story. It's difficult for people from the outside looking in to understand, but it's important to remember that addicts (and people suffering from mental illness) are good people and deserve love just as much as anyone else. I'm glad you're so supportive of your boyfriend. I'm sure that's not always very easy! Stay strong & keep loving xx

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  12. you are so brave to share this. as a long-time reader, I also feel very...pleased (I can't find the right word?) that you decided to share on your blog what you'd been going through, since it was alluded to but no one really knew. ah, I know, it makes me feel valued as a reader and a friend, that you would share it.

    after reading some of these comments, I think it is RIDICULOUS that anyone would tell you how you should feel/have dealt with the situation. you've been through an unimaginably difficult time, and how you choose to respond to that is entirely up to you. additionally (and as always, it seems) I am very impressed with your resilience. this really shed light on a topic I know little to nothing about, so while I am terribly sorry for your pain, I thank you for sharing what you've learned through it!

    ♥ perfectly Priya

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    1. Priya! Thank you for reading my story. I had never known how to address it on the blog in the past - I think I only said that he's sick and getting treatment - because I knew I wasn't ready to address it. The death of this young woman made me realize that we had to start talking about these issues, as they're far spread and you so rarely get to hear from the people on the outside providing support & love. I'm glad that I could give you a new perspective on something you otherwise wouldn't know anything about and I hope that you can take that away with you! We really need to talk about this more because it hurts so many people and so many people live in silence about it.

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  13. I think you are very brave for sharing this. I can understand why some commenters have mixed feelings about this post, but at the same time, I brushed up against a similar experience and it's meaningful to hear your story. I have to agree that anticipating people's reactions leads to a sense of isolation because there is an instinct to protect the loved person. Your story shows that there is a community for these experiences.

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    1. Hi Anon. Thanks for your lovely comment. It took a lot of bravery for me to right this, as it put me in a very vulnerable spot (plus scary to confront these feelings) but it's important to me that there is that community & that openness about the topic. Even though some people may not be able to grow in the same way after this experience, I think we all have very similar emotions during it, which makes it significant and makes it worth talking about.

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  14. Dear Chloe,

    I have been following your blog from the beginning (five years! wow!), and I have to say, as much as I adore your style and external beauty, I truly enjoy your insightful posts about feminism, life, and other tough subjects. This has to be my favorite post so far, and I really, truly thank you for sharing. It was lovely, heartbreaking, and compassionate, and gives so much insight to the side of addiction that most people don't even think about. Addiction, like any illness, not only affects the afflicted person, but the people around them who love and care for them, probably more so than a physical illness, because the symptoms of addiction are entirely selfish.

    "Selfish, self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our problems."
    pg. 62 of Alcoholics Anonymous

    You really hit the nail on the head with each paragraph, each sentence. I've never heard this side of addiction explained so lovingly, wisely, and deeply.

    On a very personal note, I love this post because I myself am an alcoholic. I have spent the last six years hurting my family, losing friends, and hurting people around me with my drinking and selfishness. My dad won't help me, even when I got out of jail and didn't have a place to stay, money, or even a phone. I was mad for a while, but I now realize he was hurting too much to have me in his life.

    I am almost three months sober, living in a sober house, going to meetings, and working with a sponsor every week.

    Thanks again, Chloe.
    You are truly a lovely person.

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    1. Hi Anon, thank you for reading my story - and for following for such a long time! It is important to remember how very much interconnected we all are, especially with the people that are close to us. And it's important to never forget how loved you are, even by people you lest expect. There are always people out there willing to help you and support you, no matter what. And it really hurts those people when you're hurt, and it really drains them when the hurt goes on for a long time. I was so frayed and hardly able to function at the end of the relationship, much less able to be there for another person. And that person was certainly in no way able to be there for me.

      I'm glad that you realize how much you've hurt the people in your life, but remember that you can always gain them back because the people who truly love and care about you aren't going anywhere. Sometimes they just need a break. I know that I needed a break. I wish you the best of luck with everything. I know how difficult everything ahead of you will be, but always hang on to how loved you are. You're never ever alone, even though you sometimes think you are. There will always be people around who care about you and want the very best for you. I hope to hear from you again, anon! xxxxxxxxx

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Thank you for reading Of North! I write my blog very thoughtfully and with tremendous love, so all comments are read and taken to heart. Please note that I retain the right to remove any comments which I find to be rude, petty, or unnecessarily negative. Of North is a happy space and I appreciate it if comments reflect that same positivity!